Parody of the Caribbean:Curse of the Bungled Prose
by Luna-GrrrBack023
Summary: Yet another parody of our favorite movie. Same plot and characters as the movie but with all the strange little plot plays and twists I could make. Includes ADD, black market light fixtures, a bone crushing death trap, and a volcano.
1. Past Insanity

**A/N: Sorry if you find the new format annoying, I know I do, but I've gotten so many reviews and messages telling me about my format that I decided to just change it. Not that this is much better but it's legal and that's what counts. Disney still owns it.**

**Parody of the Caribbean: Curse of the Bungled Prose**

Past Insanity

Young Elizabeth sings, "I never hoist the mainstay and I never swab the poop deck and I never veer a starboard cause I never sail at all. I never walk the gangplank and I never owned a parrot. And I've never been to Boston in the fall."

Gibbs says, "Quit yer yappin' there be pirates about."

Norrington says, "Mr. Gibbs I'll not have you scare that child with pirate tales. Deck swabbing duty. Now."

_Mr. Gibbs makes faces at Norrington._

Young Elizabeth says, "Actually I think pirates are the coolest. They're all cute and cuddly with their eye patches and talking birdies."

Norrington says, "On the contrary Miss Swann, I met a pirate once. He was not at all cute and cuddly. He stabbed me you know, right here."

_He pulls up his sleeve._

Young Elizabeth says, "OMG! Awesome!"

Norrington says, "Yes, with me in charge every pirate will get what he deserves."

Young Elizabeth says, "A dental plan?"

Norrington says, "No, a short drop and a sudden stop."

Young Elizabeth says, "Oh."

Gibbs says, "That means hanging till their neck break."

_He mimes gagging, young Elizabeth is horrified. _

Papa Swann says, "Norrington I'll not have you adding to my daughter's deteriorating mental state."

Norrington says, "Apologies."

Young Elizabeth says, "Daddy what do you mean?"

Papa Swann says, "Never mind your ADD dear."

Young Elizabeth says, "Look a parasol, I want the parasol!"

Norrington says, "How about a doctor's bag and a Rescue Me Drowning Boy doll?"

Young Elizabeth says, "Yay! This one's name is Will Turner."

Norrington says, "Anything else?"

_Young Elizabeth pockets the medallion._

Young Elizabeth says, "No. But look it's a burning boat! It's soooo pretty. But how does it burn in the water."

Papa Swann says, "Never mind dear, just look after the drowning boy. Norrington will you get my deranged daughter her medication?"

_Young Elizabeth takes out the medallion and plays with it. All of a sudden another ship appears._

Black Pearl says, "Hey, I saw that. I've got my eye on you."

Young Elizabeth says, "OMG! Another boat!"


	2. The Bone Crushing Death Trap

Disclaimer: Disney owns it all. How sad.

**Parody of the Caribbean:Curse of the Bungled Prose**

The Bone Crushing Death Trap

_Elizabeth wakes up. She was dreaming about her younger days as a hyperactive child. She remembers the medallion and takes it out of its secret hiding place. She's looking at it when her father knocks on the door._

Papa Swann says, "Are you naked?"

Elizabeth says, "No, you can come in. Perv."

Papa Swann says, "I bought you the latest style in British bone crushing death traps dear. Why don't you try it on?"

Elizabeth says, "Umm, no?"

Papa Swann says, "But your future husband asked me to order it specially. I mean can't you wear it to the ceremony today?"

Elizabeth says, "I knew you had this in mind. Why do I have to go anyway?"

_Her father gives her a look._

Elizabeth says, "Oh right. Future husband and all that."

_She goes behind the dressing screen and the maid puts the bone crushing death trap on her._

Bones: "Crunch"

Elizabeth says, "My ribs! Daddy I can't breathe."

Papa Swann says, "Well it'd be a shame if you could. I paid special for that feature."

_Butler enters._

Butler says, "One of the 1bourgeois is here to see you sire."

Papa Swann says, "What?"

Butler says, "Visitor, milord."

Papa Swann says, "Oh right."

**There you have it. Script format is better, hands down.**


	3. Light Fixtures and Illegal Parking

Disclaimer: Disney owns it all. How sad.

**Parody of the Caribbean: Curse of the Bungled Prose**

Light Fixtures and Illegal Parking

_The visitor is Will Turner, the same little drowning boy from eight years ago. He is carrying a long gilded case containing something important. As soon as no one is looking he shoves all the light fixtures he can reach into his pockets. Probably a black market trader. Papa Swann comes down the stairs as he puts the last light bulb in his pocket._

Papa Swann: My it's dark in here.

Will: You don't say. Anyway I have your order.

_He puts the case on the table and opens it. It is a sword. An awesome sword._

Will: Isn't it awesome? It's got tassels and gold inlay and it balances and look at this.

_He picks up the sword, flips it around in the air and slices through a remaining light fixture. _

Papa Swann: You just broke my lamp!

Will: Then it's your lucky day. I also sell light fixtures on the side. It looks like you're in need of some. I'll sell you them cheap.

_He pulls all the lights out of his pockets._

Will: One special low price!

Papa Swann: Fine. I'll take the lot. Now, this sword is indeed awesome. The Commodore is going to love it. Please give my thanks to your arms supplier. I know you're not breaking the law and making your own weapons. If that were allowed we'd have a crisis on our hands. We already have light fixture thieves.

_Will looks nervous at this. Just then Elizabeth walks down the stairs. Actually she falls, she faints halfway down._

Papa Swann: Really Elizabeth, we have guests. Do try to restrain yourself.

Elizabeth: Daddy this is all your fault. You're getting senile in your old age. You never would have bought me this dress if— OMG Will! I had a dream about you last night. Actually it's a reoccurring dream and we—.

Papa Swann: Elizabeth! Jeeves get her medication.

Will: Miss Swann are you alright?

Elizabeth: Hmm? Oh yes quite. Why won't you call me Lizzie? I've always liked that nickname.

Will: Well Miss Swann I'm afraid you just don't look like a Lizzie.

Elizabeth: Well! Then I guess you look like a _Mister Turner_, not a Will. What a shame. Come along father, we're leaving. James is much more sensible.

Will: Who?

They get into a carriage and speed away, leaving Will in a cloud of dust. Cut to Jack Sparrow standing on top of a mast, looking incredibly sexy and knowing it. He salutes the dead pirates, for all the good that will do, and jumps down to get a drink from the bottom of his boat, ship, whatever. But the rum has floated away, leaving only seawater. Wait.

Jack: There's not supposed to be seawater in a boat. Leave it to AnaMaria to forget that.

He starts bailing the water out. Cut to Jack on the mast again. This time it's only a mast. He jumps off as soon as he gets to the dock, leaving the mast for someone else to deal with. The harbor master is so onto him.

Harbor Master: I am so onto you. That's not a parking space. What do you think you're doing?

Jack: I, uh, I couldn't see where I was going. No rear view mirror and all. Terribly sorry but I have to be going.

Harbor Master: Wait a minute. I need your name otherwise I can't give you a ticket.

Jack: I'll pay the ticket now. Here's three shillings. Keep the boat. I've got places to be.


	4. Pompous Parties & Swimming with Pirates

Disclaimer: Disney now owns two awesome movies with pirates and I only own the DVD.

**Parody of the Caribbean: Curse of the Bungled Prose**

Pompous Parties and Swimming with Pirates

_Almost Commodore Norrington walks down the line of soldiers with their bayonets pointing at his face, not a bright idea but luckily none of them sneeze. He stops in front of Gov. Swann and does a sword spinning thing much better than Will, avoiding all light fixtures etc. Elizabeth is dying from her evil English dress but everyone pretends not to notice her whining; they are all just as uncomfortable. _

_Meanwhile Jack saunters along the private dock housing the Interceptor, pretending not to break the rules._

Guard 1: No trespassing mate.

Jack: Didn't they tell you? I'm new, not yet got me uniform.

Guard 1: I don't think so, you'll have to leave.

Jack: Why are you guarding this puny little boat? That one's much nicer.

_He gestures madly at the Dauntless._

Guard 2: Yes but the Commodore likes this one much better. It's prettier and it's got a lovely tea room. Oh, and it's the fastest ship in the fleet.

Jack: Pssh, the Black Pearl's better.

Guard 2: Is not.

Jack: Is.

Guard 1: It can't be, it's not real.

Jack: Is so.

Guard 2: He's right, it is real. I saw it last Friday night.

Guard 1: You mean when you were raving drunk?

Guard 2: No before that.

Guard 1: You saw a ship with mink sails, crewed by French fur traders and captained by the ghost of Joan of Arc?

_Guard 2 stares at Guard 1, mouth agape while Jack sneaks onto the Interceptor to check out the tea room._

Guard 2: No but I don't think—

Guard 1: Ha, see what I mean?

Guard 2: Wait, isn't that the _Lady Beaver Pelt_?

_Guard 1 doesn't hear him._

Guard 2: I did see a ship with black sails.

Guard 1: Well, you're obviously delusional; everyone knows it's impossible to sail with black sails. Not good for the surf capacity.

_Guard 2 is thoroughly confused, but notices Jack is missing._

Guard 2: Where'd the new guy go?

_Jack comes back from the tea room munching on a scone._

Guard 1: Hey, those are the Commodore's scones. Made special with currants from England.

Jack: Why does he keep scones on his pirate chasing boat? Ship.

Guard 2: I think he expects he'll be getting married soon. But I couldn't say for sure.

_Back at Fort Charles the actual ceremony is over and the guests are walking along the battlements listening to the 18th century equivalent of rock and roll: Mozart, Beethoven or who ever had composed music by then. Newly Appointed Commodore Norrington has gotten up the courage to put the moves on Elizabeth and asks her to join him on the really high battlement overlooking the harbor. She is nearly unconsciousness but goes anyway._

Comm. Norrington: You look ravishing my dear.

Elizabeth: What did you just say?

Comm. Norrington: Sorry, that was a little forward wasn't it?

Elizabeth: Quite.

Comm. Norrington: Well then I'll skip the niceties and get right down to business. The only thing in the world I don't have is a wife and I really want one. You happen to be young, rich and gorgeous, not to mention available. What do you say?

Elizabeth cough sputter I don't think my dress will let me answer.

Comm. Norrington: Yes, clothing can be a nuisance sometimes but anything to serve king and country.

_Elizabeth faints and falls over the battlement._

Comm. Norrington pouts Why do they always prefer swimming with pirates to talking with me?

_Elizabeth meanwhile is not swimming so much as sinking. Jack and the two guards are enjoying the Commodore's scones and exchanging sea stories when they see Elizabeth plummet from the fort above._

Jack: Is it raining women? Sweet!

_He throws off half of his clothing/ affects and dives into the water after Elizabeth. He locates her quickly and pulls her to the top of the water, where she starts sinking again. Jack rips off her dress and swims to the dock, obviously having had to do this sort of thing on many occasions. The guards rush over and figure out that she's in trouble, having just sunk to the bottom of the ocean, clever guys._

Guard 1: She's not breathing.

Jack: Oh well done.

_He takes out a knife and removes even more of her clothing, which gets her breathing again real fast._

Jack: Hello luv, are you from Singapore by any chance?

Elizabeth: hugs A pirate!

_Jack looks nervously at the guards. _

Jack: No of course not.

_Just then Comm. Norrington, Papa Swann and a whole bunch of guards come running onto the dock. Comm. Norrington draws his brand spanking new sword, compliments of Will Turner, and points it at Jack._

Comm. Norrington: That's my fiancé I'll have you know, unhand her.

Papa Swann: Elizabeth, what happened to you dress?

_Elizabeth rolls her eyes and puts on the overcoat he offers her._

Elizabeth: I haven't said yes yet James, try not to be so forward. And please don't kill my rescuer, it's not like he's a pirate or anything.

Comm. Norrington: Congratulations on saving the governor's daughter sir. Please accept this handshake as a token of my gratitude.

Jack: Um okay?

_Comm. Norrington goes to shake his hand but instead pulls back his sleeve revealing a 'P' branded onto Jack's wrist. Underneath is tattooed 'is for Port, the left side of the ship. Also make note tattoos are nicer than red hot irons.' Above it is a tattoo of a sparrow flying over the ocean._

Comm. Norrington: Very clever pirate. You didn't think that'd fool me, did you Jack Sparrow?

Jack: It's Captain Jack Sparrow and I was hoping it would actually.

Comm. Norrington: Sorry to disappoint you.

Guard 1: Here's the stuff he took off before accosting Ms. Swann.

Comm. Norrington: An empty gun, a broken compass and a toy sword? You've got to be kidding.

Jack: I was actually, that's all decoy.

Guard 2: Yeah I just found the real stuff.

Comm. Norrington: Oh a gun with one shot, a compass that doesn't point north and your average sword. That's much more useful.

Jack: You need to work on your sarcasm mate.

_Comm. Norrington makes a face and orders Jack clapped in irons._

Elizabeth: You can't kill him, he rescued me. And he's a pirate, pirates are awesome.

_Jack whips out his irons and puts them around her neck._

Elizabeth: Hey, I stood up for you.

Jack: Yeah whatever. Commodore I want my stuff back or I'll make her pretty neck less pretty.

_Guard 2 hands Jack his stuff. _

Jack: If you please Elizabeth, my hands are busy holding you hostage.

Elizabeth: It's Miss Swann you filthy pirate.

Jack: Just do it.

_She does._

Jack: Gentlemen, milady, you will always remember this as the day that you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow.

_And he shoves Elizabeth out of the way and does one of the coolest stunts ever involving lots of ropes and swinging around in the air. He lands on the boardwalk and runs away dodging bullets from guards with very bad aim._

Comm. Norrington: Gillette you better catch him or you can kiss your white wig goodbye. Elizabeth I'm very disappointed in how you acted today, my office now.

Elizabeth: We're not married yet you pompous git!

_She slaps him. It has a wonderful resounding SMACK sound._

Comm. Norrington: Don't be so sure, women have very few rights in this day and age.

_He marches away with the guards running after him._

Elizabeth: Daddy, he's insane.


	5. Overcompensating for Something?

Disclaimer: Now that I think about it Iown soundtracks and posters and the DVD but I still don't own the franchise. cries

**Parody of the Caribbean: Curse of the Bungled Prose **

Overcompensating for Something?

_The guards hunting Jack run past the blacksmith's shop and we see that Jack was hiding right there. Those guys don't get paid for their brains, that's for sure. He slips inside and finds it deserted, except for a sleeping donkey. First he tries to get the shackles off with a hammer, which doesn't work. Then he sees the contraption the donkey is hooked up to and decides that will work. He takes a red hot poker to the unsuspecting donkey who wakes up and starts walking. _

Jack: Shh! Don't be such an ass.

_The gears of the contraption break the chains and it looks like Jack is home free, until Will Turner walks in, back from his latest light fixture caper. Jack ducks out of sight. He calms down the donkey and goes about undoing half his buttons, never quite got why. _

Will: Right where I left you, drunk.

_He sees the hammer that Jack took out sitting next to Jack's hat, which he took off and I forgot to mention. _

Will: Madam Zelda! You can't just go sneaking out whenever you like. And now you're consorting with beat up old hats? Really Madam Zelda, how could you…wait a minute.

_Jack steps out and holds his sword up to Will. _

Jack: Unhand Horatio and no one gets hurt.

Will: You're the pirate they're after so ineffectively.

Jack: Have we met Blacksmith Who Is Rude To Trusty Old Hats?

Will: I hope not, I hate pirates.

Jack: Then I expect you want me out of here as fast as possible.

_He moves to leave. Will draws a sword and aims it at him. _

Jack: Are you stupid? I'm a pirate with many years of experience on you.

Will: You threatened Miss Swann and you were rude to Madam Zelda.

Jack: Well Miss Swann liked it and Horatio is quite nice if you get to know him.

_They begin to duel. Will matches everything Jack does and Jack seems satisfied and goes to leave again_.

Jack: Ttfn.

_Will throws his sword so it hits the door latch, right next to Jack's face, and effectively locks the door. Jack pulls on it and jumps up and down but to no avail. _

Jack: Aren't you clever? You've locked me in and lost your weapon in the process. What's wrong with this picture?

Will: The chairs have no legs?

_Jack rolls his eyes. Will grabs the poker from the forge. _

Jack: Damn.

_The donkey freaks out and starts the crazy contraption going again. Jack and Will duel again, all around the shop. Jack knocks aside Will's poker but Will grabs another sword from a rack on the contraption. _

Jack: Who makes all these?

Will: I do, my master's a drunk. I also practice with them for hours each day, my record's six hours.

Jack: You need to find yourself a girl mate. Or a guy, either will do really.

_Will looks angry. They move around the smithy more. Perhaps all this sword fighting is why Will had to undo half his buttons. Their swords are locked. _

Jack: Or maybe you've already found a girl, or a guy, and you just suck at flirting. Or you're a eunuch. But either way you're overcompensating for _something_ keeping all these swords around. Savvy?

Will: I practice so much so that I can kill people like you!

_They go up onto the cart thing and go up and down for a bit before Will gets Jack's broken shackles stuck in the rafters causing Jack to show off his bottom while trying to free himself. Will is grinning triumphantly but he's probably just enjoying the view. Jack frees himself and comes crashing down on the cart which sends Will flying up into the rafters. He cuts down some barrels and then Jack flies up into the rafters. They jump around and fight some more before swinging down. Jack has lost his sword and sprays Will in the face with brick dust or something, kicking Will's sword out of his hand. By the time he gets it Jack has his pistol pointed at him. _

Will: Cheater!

Jack: Pirate.

_The incompetent Navy has finally found where Jack is hiding and are banging down the door. _

Jack: Out of the way eunuch.

Will: No.

Jack: Please? I'm sorry about the eunuch thing.

Will: No. You threatened Madam Zelda, you must pay.

Jack: Really didn't want to have to do this.

_He cocks the pistol and Will gives him and odd look before a bottle smashes down on his head. Jack falls face forward and behind him we see the drunk blacksmith master standing with a broken bottle in his hand looking like he's all that. The guards kick the door in and Commodore Norrington comes in, looking pompous as ever. _

Comm. Norrington: Thank you drunk. You caught the pirate so I can take credit.

Drunk: What ever you say sir.

Comm. Norrington: Splendid. Now I can rip off his line. I expect we'll all remember this as the day that Captain Jack Sparrow almost escaped. Take him to the fortress and throw him in the dungeon.


	6. The Pirates are Back in Town

**A/N: Sorry it's been so long. Hope I got the sequence of events right. Enjoy!**

**Parody of the Caribbean: Curse of the Bungled Prose**

The Pirates are Back in Town

_It's later that night at the Governator's mansion and Elizabeth is in bed reading. Her maid, who obviously doesn't know a thing about bed warmers, put the pan full of hot coals in the bed right where Elizabeth's feet are. Elizabeth winces and makes a note to have her let go in the morning. _

Maid: Enjoy your hot coals, Miss. You've had a rough day.

Elizabeth: Yes, I thought the Commodore would propose but I didn't think he'd go _that _far. Still swimming with that pirate was fun.

Maid: Miss, are you feeling alright? Do you need more coals?

Elizabeth gives her a Look.

Maid: But that Commodore is a smart match at any rate, wouldn't you say?

Elizabeth: Yes indeed, quite a smart match. He's a fine man, but he's a bit pompous, don't you think?

Maid: What about that Will Turner eh? He's…well he's….swoon

Elizabeth: That's enough, you can go already.

_The maid curtsies and leaves. Elizabeth looks troubled about her future marriage prospects and decides to fondle the medallion instead._

_A rather pointless scene of Will hammering away at his anvil until he senses something strange in the air and has to have a look at an alley cat before continuing. _

_Then we see a spooky ship with useless sails come into the harbor. Maybe that's what Will was hearing._

_Jack sits in prison in the cell next to some pirates who have obviously not gotten the part where the dog doesn't give them the keys._

Jack: It's of great amusement to me that you were ever successful pirates at all.

Pirate Bribing the Dog: Well….you're in prison too, so you can't be any better!

Jack: Amateurs.

_Cut to the Commodore and Papa Swann enjoying a lovely evening walk on the battlements and surveying the city they control. That is, it would be lovely if it was for all the blasted Foreshadowing Fog._

Papa Swann: So did Elizabeth say 'yes' yet?

Comm. Norrington: No, not yet but I believe she's warming up to me.

Papa Swann: Well with all the coals the maid puts on her feet I'm sure she'll be very warm soon. This fog is a bit much wouldn't you say?

Comm. Norrington: Yes, I agree. I'll have someone fired for it by morning.

_Loud noises are heard in the distance._

Papa Swann: What the blazes is that?

Comm. Norrington: Cannon fire!

_He rugby tackles Papa Swann to the ground as the cannon ball explodes right behind them. He immediately jumps back up and runs off to take charge of the situation._

_Meanwhile back in Jack's prison cell all the pirates have heard the cannons and are looking hopefully out the cell bars._

Jack: I know those guns. It's the Pearl.

Pirate Previously Seen Bribing the Dog: The Black Pearl? I've heard stories; she's been preying on ships and settlements for near ten years. Never leaves any survivors. I wonder what our chances are.

Jack: No survivors? Well then where do the stories come from I wonder?

_The other pirates look perplexed._

Jack: And no mate, you've no chance at all. You don't even have a proper name, see? You're just the Pirate Previously Seen Bribing the Dog.

_The Black Pearl is wreaking havoc on Port Royal. Everything is exploding, babies are crying for their mothers, and the pirates have just come ashore in their longboats to start the killing._

_Will grabs everything sharp he can get his hands on and charges out to play the hero since he knows the Commodore will not leave the battlements. He kills a pirate wielding bombs with an axe and continues on his way._

_The Commodore is doing a wonderful job telling everyone to fire the cannons on the battlements while everyone in his city is raped, pillaged and plundered. The Governator is hanging around, being useless and scared._

Comm. Norrington: Governor, barricade yourself in my office before you knock some one off the battlements, you're far too important to get a lawsuit.

_The Governator does not want to comply and he accidentally knocks Mr. Stevens with the cartridges over the battlements._

Comm. Norrington: That's an order.

_Two pirates, one short one tall with a wooden eye, make their way with a raiding party to the Governator's mansion. Elizabeth sees them coming and runs to tell the butler not to open the door because there's cannon fire and screaming out there but he doesn't hear her and pays the price by getting shot. _

_The two pirates, who we will call Pintel (the short one) and Ragetti (the tall one with the wooden eye) point to her and chase her up the stairs and into her room._

_The maid is in the room and screams as she enters._

Maid: Miss Swann they've come to kidnap you.

Elizabeth: What?

Maid: You're the only other female in the movie and my contract's just expired. Ta ta!

_Elizabeth scowls and runs into the other room just as Pintel and Ragetti break the door down. Pintel gets the bed warmer in the face and Ragetti gets the coals in the face while Elizabeth makes a daring escape. They beat her down the stairs but are distracted by a cannon ball, honestly what kind of pirates get distracted by a cannon ball? She runs into the dining room, locks herself in, and tries to get the ornamental swords off the mantle but they fall off and nearly spear her thousand dollar slippers. As the door breaks open she is no where to be seen._

Pintel: We know you're here poppet. Come out and we promise we won't hurt you wink wink

_He sees the carpet near the china cupboard is messed up. _

Pintel: The gold calls to us poppet and we know you've got it.

_He opens the cupboard._

Elizabeth: Parlay!

Pintel: What?

Elizabeth: Parlay! I've read my pirate books; don't take me for an idiot.

Pintel: I know the code.

Elizabeth: If I want parlay, I get parlay. Do you think I'm the Governator's daughter for nothing? There's perks, I get what ever I want.

_They roll their eyes, wooden ones included._

Pintel: Fine, if that's what you really want.

_Back to Will, who doesn't have the best of fortune right now, he's being held by a pirate with a boat hook in one hand and an axe in the other._

Pirate With Boat Hook: Say 'good-bye'.

_A cannon ball hits a sign over their head. Will ducks and it hits the Pirate With Boat Hook, creating one of the best comic moments in the movie._

Will: Good-bye.

_Will turns around to see Elizabeth being carted off by the raiding party that was just at her house and the pirate with the bombs that he axed in the back one scene before. This is totally weird; pirates usually die when you axe them. He drops a bomb at Will's feet, which fizzles out. Will looks very smug until he gets hit over the head with a candle stick by a passing pirate. Night night Will._

_A cannon ball smashes into the side of the prison at Fort Charles, Jack dives out of the way just in time. The cannon ball missed his cell and broke the wall of the Pirate Previously Seen Bribing the Dog. They climb out of the hole in the wall laughing at their good fortune._

Pirate Previously Seen Bribing the Dog: Looks like you were wrong mate. And by the way, my name is Dennis. Be seeing you!

Jack: Buggerit.

_He picks up the bone from the adjacent cell._

Jack: Here doggy, bring ol' Jack the keys.

_The dog gets up, looking at the new idiot who thinks he can get the keys with an old bone. He comes closer to Jack's cell._

Jack: That's it, that's it doggy. Come you flea bitten mongrel, you can't be this dense.

Dog: Excuse me; I'm neither flea bitten nor dense. And next time try prime rib; I don't like moldy old bones.

_The dog trots away with its nose in the air just as there is a gunshot and a guard falls down the stairs. He is followed by two pirates, who have done the shooting._

Twigg: He said we weren't on the list; we're always on the list.

Kohler: What are you talking about? This ain't a night club and it definitely ain't the armory.

Twigg: What do you mean it's not a night club? Look there's a cage dancer.

_He points at Jack before realizing who he is. Jack wonders why he wanted idiots like this on his crew in the first place._

Kohler: No you idiot, it's Jack Sparrow.

Twigg: Last time I saw you, you was all alone on a godforsaken island, shrinkin' into the distance. His fortunes aren't improved much.

Jack: Yeah, well betrayers and mutineers go to the special hell.

_Kohler is pissed. He grabs Jack but the neck through the cell bars. His hand turns skeletal in the moonlight._

Jack: Oh. My. God.

Kohler: You know nothing of hell.

_He releases Jack and storms out of the prison with Twigg behind him. _

Jack: Well, this just can't get anymore interesting can it?

_A convenient puff of smoke from the cannons obscures the moon just as Elizabeth is taken onto the Black Pearl so she doesn't know they're skeletons or whatever. She is definitely creeped out though. She is pulled aboard by the two pirates who caught her and they are confronted by the Bo 'sun, who is not a nice looking guy at all._

Bo 'sun: I didn't know we was taking on captives.

Pintel: Yeah but she said 'Parlay' and she _is_ the only other female in the movie...

Elizabeth: I am here to negotiate—

_She is back handed most brutally by the Bo 'sun and holds her face in pain while letting loose such a string of curses that'd make any well worn pirate blush, and many of them do._

Bo 'sun: Uh well, you'll speak when spoken to.

Barbossa: And you'll not harm anyone who says 'Parlay' not to mention swears like a sailor. Impressive, missy.

Elizabeth: Captain Barbossa, I am here to negotiate the cessation of hostilities against Port Royal.

_She might as well have said so in French, cause these pirates don't understand._

Barbossa (clarifying): In stupid please.

Elizabeth: Leave and never come back.

_This gets a bunch of laughs._

Barbossa: I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request.

Elizabeth: Durrh...

Barbossa: No.

_The pirates laugh again, who's the dummy now?_

Elizabeth: Fine.

_She marches to the rail, digs the medallion out of her nightgown (not a wise idea in front of this bunch) and holds it over the edge._

Elizabeth: Do as I say or the medallion gets it.

Barbossa (trying to remain calm): Me hold's a bursting with swag, that bit o' shine matters to us?

_The crew is freaking out but he ignores them._

Elizabeth: I've seen this ship before. It's what you've been searching for; I saw it eight years ago on the crossing from England.

Barbossa: Oh really?

Elizabeth: Yeah well, I can get something nicer and less spooky so if it's all the same to you...

_She lets the chain slip a bit._

_The crew of the Black Pearl snaps and surges forward as one._

Crew: OMG NO!

Elizabeth: Oh snap.

_Barbossa sighs._

Barbossa: You got a name girl?

Elizabeth: Elizabeth...Turner? I'm a maid in the...Commodore's household.

_She thinks she's clever but the crew exchanges looks and whispers of someone called 'Bootstrap'._

Barbossa: And how does a maid come to own a trinket such as that? Family heirloom perhaps?

Elizabeth: I don't steal, I'm a good law abiding citizen.

Barbossa: Okay then, give me it and we'll put your town to our rudder and ne'er return.

_Elizabeth considers then hands him the medallion, which is totally stupid, she's got no leverage now._

Elizabeth: Our bargain?

_Barbossa nods at the Bo 'sun._

Bo 'sun: Stop firing and prepare to sail.

_No one says anything about taking Elizabeth back to her nice warm coal infested bed._

Elizabeth: Hey now, what's all this? You said we had a deal. According to the code...

Barbossa: You never said anything about returning, you're not a pirate, and we practice a free interpretation of the code. Welcome aboard the Black Pearl, Miss Turner.

_Elizabeth is dragged off by Pintel and Ragetti. She just got the worst deal ever._


	7. Will Goes Overboard, Literally & Figurat

**A/N: God this is fun.**

**Parody of the Caribbean: Curse of the Bungled Prose**

Will Goes Overboard, Literally and Figuratively

_It is now the morning after the Black Pearl has laid the smackdown on Port Royal and things are looking very bad indeed. Buildings are smoking or nonexistent, the streets are full of rubble, people are dead and Chickens are Running Loose! Will Turner, the unfortunate blacksmith's apprentice who got hit with a candlestick whilst being heroic, is just waking up amid said Chickens. He sits up, holds his head and then remembers why he was caught off guard and clubbed last night_: ELIZABETH HAS BEEN ELIZABETH-NAPPED BY PIRATES!1!11!_ He rushes to Fort Charles because the Royal Navy is so totally inexperienced that they most certainly need _his_ help in rescuing her._

_Commodore Norrington, Papa Swann, Lieutenant Gillette and many other Royal Navy members are standing around a huge map on a huge table measuring things and trying to figure out where the pirates could be heading. Will rushes in, hair askew._

Will: They've taken Elizabeth.

Comm. Norrington (not looking up from serious map work): Well spotted. Mr. Murtogg, remove this nuisance.

_Mr. Murtogg goes to remove said nuisance but Will throws his arms off. Mr. Murtogg is not very assertive, poor chap._

Will: We have to hunt them down, we must save her!

Papa Swann: Where do you propose we start? If you have any information as to the whereabouts of my daughter please share it. I want to get her married off quickly, my bank account can't take it anymore and I'll not pay ransom.

Mr. Murtogg (not being very smart): That Jack Sparrow, he talked about the Black Pearl.

Mr. Mullroy (who totally knows what to say): Mentioned it is more what he did. He was just after your scones Commodore.

_Mr. Murtogg looks like he might be in trouble. Will likes this new bit of information._

Will: Ask him where it is! Make a deal with him, he can lead us to it.

Comm. Norrington: You obviously know very little about the situation as you were unconscious and fraternizing with Chickens. The pirates left Sparrow locked in his cell; ergo they are not his allies. Governor, we will establish their most likely course—.

_Will just can't take being treated like the low life he is and slams his axe into the map. He knows he and Elizabeth are destined to be together (although the writers may have something else in store for them, Will should watch Dead Man's Chest). The Commodore is not pleased. He calmly pulls the axe out of the map table and shoves it at Will. Then he roughly grabs him and marches him out of the room._

Comm. Norrington: You are not a military man, you are not a sailor, you are a blacksmith and this is not the moment for rash actions. Do not make the mistake in thinking you are the man that is going to marry Elizabeth.

_If Will was not restrained the axe would be in the Commodore's lovely white wig. _

_Jack is busy picking the lock with the now broken bone. He hears footsteps and lies down on the cell floor, feigning complete comfort at being hung soon. The footsteps belong to Will._

Will: You, Sparrow. You are familiar with that ship the Black Pearl?

Jack (inspecting his nails or something): I heard of it.

Will: Where does it make berth?

Jack: Where does it make berth? Have you not heard the stories?

Will has obviously Not heard the stories.

Jack: _Captain_ Barbossa and his crew of miscreants sail from the dreaded Isla del Muerta. It's an island that cannot be found except by those who already know where it is. Or by those who have a magic compass, take your pick.

Will: The ship's real enough, therefore its anchorage must be a real place, where is it!

Jack (inspecting his nails again): Why ask me?

Will: You're a pirate.

Jack: And you want to turn pirate yourself, that it?

Will: Never, matey.

_Jack smirks and studies his nails._

Will (quietly): They took Miss Swann.

Jack: What was that? Didn't quite hear.

Will: They took Miss Swann.

Jack: Oh, so you're not a eunuch after all. I see. Well if you're intending to brave all and hasten to her rescue and so win the fair lady's heart, you'll have to do it alone mate, I see no profit in it for me.

Will: I can get you out of here.

Jack: You can afford prime rib and flea shampoo?

Will: These are half pin barrel hinges. With the right leverage and the proper application of strength the door will lift free.

_He lifts up a bench and places it under the hinges. Jack appraises him._

Jack: What's your name?

Will: Will Turner.

Jack: Short for William I'd imagine. Good strong name. No doubt named for your father eh?

Will: Yes...

Jack: Well, Mr. Turner I've changed me mind. If you spring me from this cell I swear on pain of death I shall take you to the Black Pearl and your bonny lass. Do we have an accord?

_Will shakes his hand._

Jack: Agreed. Get me out.

_Will pops the door off its half pin barrel hinges._

Will: Hurry. Someone will have heard that.

Jack: Not without my effects.

_Jack and Will have miraculously escaped from Fort Charles unnoticed. They are hiding under a bridge in plain sight of the guards running about and looking out at the harbor. Jack is taking particular notice of the really big ship out in the bay. Will sees this._

Will: We're going to steal that ship! It's huge!

Jack: Commandeer. We're going to commandeer that ship. Nautical term.

_He points to the Interceptor that he was having scones on yesterday. It is now being freshly stocked with scones, and of course gunpowder and cannon balls. For the wedding festivities, not the pirate hunt, sillies._

Jack: One question about your business boy or there's no use going. How much do you love this Elizabeth?

Will: I'd die for her.

Jack (under his breath): Sooner than you think.

_A new wave of guards run past but what everyone is really looking at is the row of boring old canoes. Suddenly a canoe sprouts two pairs of feet! What's up with that? It walks into the water. It is Jack and Will._

Will: This is either stupid or stupid.

Jack: It's remarkable how often those two traits coincide.

Will: Because they're the same trait.

Jack: Mind your mouth. You can't watch where you're going if you're complaining.

Will: Can to.

_To prove his point he steps in a lobster trap and slips out from under the boat._

Jack: Oh this just can't get any better can it?

_A few mishaps later Jack and Will climb up the stern of the Dauntless, which is just too huge, muck up the rudder and sneak behind Gillette, who is stationed on a giant ship with about five other men and there's no possible way they could get anything done. A bit pointless? Well I'd say that's Gillette all over._

Jack: Everyone stay calm we are taking over the ship.

Will (jumping down from some where and pulling out his sword like a crazy circus man): Aye, avast!

Jack: You're a disgrace to pirates everywhere William.

Gillette (turning up his smugness level): This ship cannot be crewed by two men; you'll never make it out of the bay. The Commodore was so right you are the worst pirate I've—.

_Gillette shuts up as there is a gun pointed between his eyes._

Jack: Do you not listen? I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, savvy?

_The Commodore is making preparations for the Interceptor to sail. He's reading something important and Groves, having just finished painting 'Just Married' and tying the tin cans on the stern, walks up to him. Before he can say what he was going to he sees Gillette in a longboat going bananas and pointing at the Dauntless._

Groves: Sir. Gillette's lost it again.

Comm. Norrington: Can't I trust him to do anything?

_He takes out his telescope and looks at Gillette who is pointing at Jack and Will making the Dauntless ready to sail._

Comm. Norrington: Rash Turner, too rash. Are there any more idiots I have to deal with today?

_But this is exactly what Jack wanted. He is watching the Interceptor through a telescope of his own. Its sails are unfurled and it starts towards them._

Will: Here they come.

Jack: Thank you Captain Obvious.

_The Royal Navy boards the Dauntless in large numbers. The Commodore is very annoyed. These pirates are bad for business, except for the fact that they are business. _

Comm. Norrington: Search every cabin, every hold, down to the bilges.

Groves: So search the whole ship?

Comm. Norrington: Are you Gillette's second cousin?

Groves: Well I married his second cousin, so I'm his second cousin-in-law. Why?

Comm. Norrington: I'm surrounded by idiots.

_While they are discussing very states of idiocy Jack and Will swing over to the Interceptor and cut all the lines loose. The Interceptor starts to sail away. The Commodore totally sees them._

Comm. Norrington: Sailors, back to the Interceptor now!

_There really isn't much they can do. One brave soul tries to swing over like the two heroes did but he misses by a mile._

Jack: Thank you Commodore for getting us ready to make way. We'd've had a hard time of it by ourselves.

_Norrington is now seething._

Comm. Norrington: Set topsails and clear up this mess.

Groves (who does know something about sailing): With the wind a quarter from astern we won't catch them.

Comm. Norrington: I don't need to catch them just get them in range of Long Tom.

Groves: We are to fire on our own ship sir?

Comm. Norrington: I'd rather see her at the bottom of the ocean than in the hands of those imbeciles. This hanging is going to be great.

_The guns are ready._

Ruddy: Sir. He's disabled the rudder chain sir.

_Norrington is near aneurism._

Groves: That's got to be the best pirate I've ever seen.

_Norrington goes for that aneurism head first. _

_The Interceptor is well clear of Port Royal and the Royal Navy. Jack is at the helm and Will is doing random ship stuff. _

Will (deciding this is the right time to share his life's story with a pirate who doesn't care about him): When I was a lad living in England my mother raised me by herself. After she died I cam out here, looking for my father.

Jack (pretending he doesn't know where Will is going): Well, isn't that nice.

Will: My father, William Turner. At the jail it was only after I told you my name that you agreed to help. I'm no simpleton Jack, you knew my father.

Jack: You could've fooled me on the simpleton part.

Will: Jack...

Jack: I knew him. Probably one of the few who knew him as William Turner. Everyone else just called him Bootstrap Bill.

Will: Wtf?

Jack: Good man, good pirate. You look just like him.

Will: You liar. He was a good man, not a pirate.

Jack: He was a bloody pirate.

Will (drawing his sword): My father was not a pirate!

Jack: Put it away son, not worth you getting beat again.

Will: You only one because you cheated.

Jack: Yep, it works for me.

_He swings the helm, moving the boom and catching Will in the stomach. Will swings out over the water._

Jack: As long as you're just hanging there pay attention. The only rules that matter are these: What a man can do and what a man can't do.

_Will looks like he doesn't want to have a lesson in rules from a known rule breaker._

Jack: You can accept that your father was a pirate and a good man or you can't, but pirate is in your blood boy and that's that.

_Will looks pissed at this reoccurring theme that he can't refute._

Jack: Now me, I can let you drown. But I can't bring this ship into Tortuga all by me onesy, savvy?

_Splash._

Jack: Oh bugger.

Will: Rope burble please.

_Once Will is back on deck and sitting with a nice towel and a hot drink:_

Jack: So, can you sail under the command of a pirate? Or can you not?

Will: Tortuga?

Jack: Tortuga.

_With this all the surly wenches in Tortuga are alerted to Jack's imminent arrival and are determined to have a slapfest like he'll never forget._


	8. Tortuga is for Lovers

**Parody of the Caribbean: Curse of the Bungled Prose**

Tortuga is for Lovers

_It is now night and the Interceptor sails into Tortuga harbor. Now cut to a town that is only defined by the words total chaos. Pirates run through the streets firing guns, dragging people behind carts, chasing wenches and drinking excessively. Jack and Will appear from a narrow alley way._

Jack: This place rocks.

_He catches a falling bottle of rum and takes a swig._

Jack: I tell you lad, if every town in the world was like this one, no man would ever feel unwanted.

_Just then he happens upon the queue of surly wenches he has stood up in the past. There are a lot of them and boy, are they happy to see him._

Jack: Now would be a good time to leave Will.

_But sadly for Jack he is apprehended by tow of them, much to clever to join a bloody Jack slapping queue. Scarlett marches up and slaps Jack._

Jack: I didn't deserve that.

_Giselle marches up to Jack just as Scarlett leaves._

Jack: Giselle!

Giselle: Who was she?

Jack: Now, I know what you're going to say—.

_Giselle slaps him and marches away._

Jack: Wait, come back! I deserved that, I admit it. She was an honest mistake.

_All the other women heard the 'she was an honest mistake' and make their way towards Jack._

Jack: Will, we best be getting the hell out of here. We need a crew any way, and I know just where to find one.

_Mr. Gibbs, from the beginning of the story, is lying in the mud sleeping with the pigs. Jack throws a bucket of water on him._

Gibbs: What the(sailor curse word)was that for!

Jack: Nice to see you too mate.

Gibbs: Jack? You know the rule about sleeping, don't you?

Jack: Yes but if I buy you a drink it's cancelled out.

_Gibbs thinks about this then nods and gets up. Will throws another bucket of water on him._

Gibbs: Are you slow in the head boy?

Will: No, that was for the smell.

Gibbs: Well, I'll have to give you that.

_Inside the nearest tavern, which is really just a portion of the street with some walls erected around it, Jack and Gibbs sit down to a drink. They make Will stand guard._

Gibbs: So, what crazy plan you got this time?

Jack: I'm going after the Black Pearl.

Gibbs: I said crazy, not stupid.

Jack: I know where it's going to be and I'm gonna take it.

Gibbs: Is your stupid contagious?

Jack: I know what Barbossa is up to. All I need is a crew.

Gibbs: Barbossa doesn't like idiots either, so you're definitely out of luck there.

Jack: I'm not stupid, I'm sentimental. There's nothing I want more than that ship.

Gibbs: Oh, that's what you call it. What makes you think this'll work?

Jack: Leverage. Blacksmith shaped leverage.

Gibbs: What on earth are you talking about?

_Jack gets whiplash trying to point to Will with his head. By the time Gibbs realizes what he's talking about he has minor need of a neck brace._

Gibbs: What? The kid?

Jack: Well spotted. Yes. That's the child of Bootstrap Bill Turner, savvy?

Gibbs: You know, I think I finally get what you're after.

Jack: So what about the crew?

Gibbs: I'll find us a crew, there's got to be some people on this rock who haven't heard the tales of the Black Pearl.

_They are about to toast with their tankards when the surly wenches find the right tavern and bust down the door._

Jack: Damn. Gibbs, you keep them busy and I'll sneak out the back.

Gibbs: Aye aye, Captain.


	9. Disney Princesses Don't Eat Apples

**Parody of the Caribbean: Curse of the Bungled Prose**

Disney Princesses Don't Eat Apples

_The Black Pearl sails through the night, looking very spooky indeed. But how exactly does it sail? Its sails are torn to tatters. Elizabeth is standing around in a big empty cabin. Pintel and Ragetti enter carrying a dress._

Pintel: Hello poppet. You're having dinner with the captain and he wants you to wear this.

_Instead of the dress in his arms he motions to Ragetti, pretending to hold nothing._

Elizabeth: I'm not stupid you know.

Pintel: Or he'd like you to wear this.

Elizabeth (in French): I'm disinclined to acquiesce to his request.

Pintel: He said if you try that fancy language you get to dine with the crew naked.

Elizabeth (clearing her throat): Oh, I'm sorry, did that sound like fancy language? I'd love to have dinner with the captain. Give me that damn dress.

_Pintel and Ragetti sulk out of the cabin._

_The big empty table is set for dinner with a number of disgusting looking things. Animals with their eyes still in, eels, and, of course, apples. Barbossa thinks he can make up for taking her prisoner by pulling out her chair. Elizabeth takes small bites and doesn't look at him, the picture of a lady._

Barbossa: We're pirates; we have no need for manners.

_Elizabeth puts down her fork and knife and takes a big bite of chicken. Barbossa offers her bread and wine and she takes those too. But when he offers her an apple she pauses._

Barbossa (pleadingly): Please have an apple. Please.

_Elizabeth takes the apple and throws it at him._

Elizabeth: Disney princesses don't eat apples; it's a universally known law. Do I look like a normal girl to you!

Barbossa: But you said...what's Disney?

Elizabeth: It's how I know the apple's poisoned.

Barbossa: Why would I poison you?

Elizabeth: If you wouldn't then why haven't you released me? You've got your bloody jewelry.

Barbossa: You don't know what this is, do you?

Elizabeth: It's costume jewelry; I know real gold when I see it.

Barbossa: Wrong again, this is Aztec gold. One of 882 identical pieces they delivered in a stone chest to Cortez himself. Blood money paid to stem the slaughter he wreaked upon them with his armies. But the greed of Cortez was insatiable and so the heathen gods placed upon the gold a terrible curse. Any mortal who removes but a single piece from that stone chest will be cursed for all eternity.

Elizabeth: Oh please.

Barbossa: That's exactly what we said when we were told the tale, buried on an island of dead what cannot be found, 'cept by those who know where it is. Find it we did. There be the chest, inside be the gold and we took 'em all. Spent 'em and traded 'em and fiddled 'em away for drink and food and pleasurable company. The more we gave 'em away the more we came to realize the drink would not satisfy, the food turned to ash in our mouths and all the pleasurable company in the world would not slake our lust. We are cursed men Miss Turner. Compelled by greed we were, but now we are consumed by it.

_Barbossa's monkey chooses this moment to spaz out and jump around on its perch. He gets up to quiet it. It chews on the gold as he continues._

Barbossa: There is one way we can end our curse...

_Elizabeth palms a knife off the table while he is fawning over the evil monkey._

Barbossa: All the scattered pieces of the gold must be returned to the volcano from which they were forged, and the blood repaid. Only then will the Dark Lord release us. Thanks to ye, we have the final piece.

Elizabeth: A volcano?

Barbossa: That's why there's no sense to be killing you. Yet. Apple?

_Elizabeth is angry. She jumps up, knife poised and runs around the table to keep away from Barbossa, who says pirate things like 'Arr' to scare her. Finally he catches her and she plunges the knife into his chest. She can't believe she's done it and she can't believe more that he isn't dead. Barbossa pulls the knife out of his chest and watches the blood drip off it._

Barbossa: I'm curious, after killing, where are you going to go?

_Elizabeth decides that 'far away from you' is a good decision and runs out of the cabin. Onto a deck full of half dead pirates. _

Elizabeth: Oh shit.

_She stumbles around from pirate to pirate, falls in holes, trips over things and is finally caught by one swinging on a rope and goes for a quick tour of the rigging. All of this is presided over by wonderful Hollywood screams. When they come down she beheads him with the helm. But skeletons can reassemble themselves and so he does. Elizabeth is a little disgusted by this but still terrified so she runs down the stairs and hides under them. Only to be found by the monkey._

Monkey: Raaaa! I'm a monkey, fear me!

_Elizabeth totally fears a little monkey and runs back to the cabin where Barbossa still is. He grabs her and makes her stare at the moon while he continues his little piece on curses._

Barbossa: The moonlight shows us for what we really are.

Elizabeth: Walking contradictions? Dead men tell no tales after all.

Barbossa: Let me finish! We are not among the living and so we cannot die but neither are we dead. Too long I've been parched of thirst and unable to quench it, too long I've been starving to death and haven't died. I feel nothing, not the wind on my face, nor the spray of the sea, nor the warmth of a woman's flesh.

_He reaches out for Elizabeth who has been backing away from him. His hand turns to bones. He steps fully into the moonlight._

Barbossa: You best start believing' in ghost stories Miss Turner, you're in one.

_He pulls out a bottle of wine and drinks it all. Elizabeth watches as the wine trickles down between her bones. That's the last straw for her._

Elizabeth: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

_She runs into the cabin and he slams the door. All the pirates laugh._

Barbossa: Back to work! How do you think this ship moves? Sails?

_Elizabeth sits huddled under a table, holding her knees and looking out for more scary monkeys._


	10. Blame the Rum for the Tribal War Paint

**Parody of the Caribbean: Curse of the Bungled Prose**

Blame the Rum for the Tribal War Paint

_Jack stands wearily next to Gibbs on the docks the next day. They've already gone through two complete crews. Both crews turned out to be the surly wenches in disguise. Jack's cheeks both have perfect red handprints on them; they could probably pass for tribal war paint if you didn't look too close. _

Jack: Okay, now you're sure there are no females bent on destroying my cheekbones in this batch? Because I'm starting to think that last night when I told you to distract them you got the wrong idea.

Gibbs: Well, you never can be too sure can you? Just to be safe, I blame the rum.

Jack: Yes, it's always the rum, isn't it?

Gibbs: Aye, but back to business. Feast your eyes captain. All of them faithful hands before the mast, everyman worth his salt. And crazy to boot.

_Jack and Gibbs, followed by Will, walk down the line of sailors. Jack would probably have better luck with the surly wenches. He stops at an old man with a parrot._

Jack: And what's your story?

_The old man looks at Gibbs._

Gibbs: Mr. Cotton sir. Poor devil had his tongue cut out. Trained the parrot to talk for 'im though, not sure how.

_To emphasize Cotton opens his mouth and makes show of his less then present tongue._

Jack: Oh God.

Gibbs: Aye, nasty business.

Jack: Okay. Mr. Cotton's Parrot, you got what it takes to be a sailor? The courage and fortitude to brave danger and almost certain death?

Parrot: Awk! Aye aye, Captain!

Jack: What about you Mr. Cotton?

_Mr. Cotton nods._

Jack: Wonderful. Satisfied Will?

Will: They are as daft as you, I'll give them that.

Unseen Sailor Down the Line: What's in it for us?

Jack: I'm the captain here and I'll be taking no back talk from anyone, got that?

_But out of curiosity he turns around and sees who it is._

Jack: Shit.

_The sailor whips off her hat, yep it's a her, and slaps Jack._

Jack: AnaMaria, what a pleasant surprise.

AnaMaria: You stole my boat.

Jack: Well, you could say that.

_AnaMaria slaps him again._

Jack: Now, that really isn't necessary.

_She slaps him again._

Will: Did you deserve any of those?

_Jack opens his mouth to deny it but with a look and a raise of the hand from AnaMaria he changes his mind._

Jack: I deserved them. But I didn't steal your boat. Now wait. I borrowed it without permission but with every intention of bringing it back.

AnaMaria: But since you didn't it's stealing!

Jack (quickly): You'll get another one!

AnaMaria: Another one?

Jack: A better one.

Will: That one.

Jack: What one?

_Will is pointing at the Interceptor._

Jack: That one!

Will nods.

Jack (cheerfully): Aye, that one. What say you?

_AnaMaria considers. After all, it's such a pretty boat...ship._

AnaMaria: Aye.

The Rest of the Crew: Aye.

Cotton's Parrot: Anchor's away!

_The pick up stuff and prepare to load the ship and get underway._

Gibbs: No, no, no, no, no. It's frightful bad luck to have a woman on board sir.

Jack: Gibbs, I don't think my luck can get much worse. Except if we don't bring her I'm sure she'll do much worse than slap me next time.

_He turns and follows the rest of the crew with Will behind him. Gibbs looks at the sky hoping that AnaMaria won't cause a storm by coming._

_Too bad, she did._

_The Interceptor crashes up and down in the stormy waters. The crew is being thrown about trying to secure the ship. Jack is steering with a wild look in his eye. Will is a bit fed up with the absurdity of the whole thing._

Will: How the hell is this going to save Elizabeth! His compass doesn't work.

Gibbs: The compass doesn't point north but we're not going north are we?

_He leaves Will to think on that and stumbles through the storm to where Jack stands steering through the storm._

Gibbs: We should drop canvas sir!

Jack: She can hold a bit longer.

Gibbs: No, I'm pretty sure she can't. Why are you so happy, we could all die!

Jack: We're catching up.

Gibbs (to himself): Blame the rum.


	11. Seriously That Close to Killing You

**A/N: You know, I actually read this for the first time since writing it the other day and I was laughing so hard. Thank you for all the reviews. I'm glad you like it. I doubt I'll be able to watch the movie the same again.**

**Parody of the Caribbean: Curse of the Bungled Prose**

Seriously That Close to Killing You

_The Black Pearl has arrived at the Isla de Muerta AKA Island of the Dead for those who don't know Spanish...like me. Spooky, I know. Elizabeth is being decked out for sacrifice to the Aztec gods, complete with medallion and bound hands. The pirates make scary noises and try to frighten her like she's twelve. The all pile into their long boats and arrive at the treasure cave in the center of the island. It is pretty amazing, but of course Elizabeth's eyes are drawn to the spooky stone chest next to the volcano. But she is not allowed to linger and is shoved on as Pintel and Ragetti dump out chests of plunder onto the already treasure strewn cave floor._

Pintel: Ten years of hoarding swag.

Ragetti: And now we finally get to spend it.

_They laugh as they open the chest but stop as the contents fall out: Dresses and parasols. They pick up the parasols and play with them._

Pintel: Once we're uncursed we'll be rich and you can get your wooden eye replaced.

_Ragetti rubs his wooden eye which squelches nastily._

Pintel: Stop rubbing it.

_The Bo 'sun walks by and sneers at them. They try to look like they were not just playing with parasols. When the Bo 'sun leaves Pintel smacks Ragetti with the parasol._

Pintel: Pirates don't play with parasols you bleedin' fairy.

Ragetti:...fairy?

_The Interceptor sails through a very dangerous shark and sunken ship infested passage. The crew is all at the rail looking into the depths, knowing that it is only Jack's good navigation skills that separate them from the sharks...so they probably have every reason to be worried. You know, blame the rum._

Cotton's Parrot (totally guessing the mood of the moment): Dead men tell no tales! Dead men tell no tales!

_Gibbs and Will look at the water. _

Gibbs: Puts a chill in the bone how many honest sailors been claimed by this passage.

_He moves away from the rail, wanting to put distance between him and the water, but he's not an honest sailor so he has nothing to worry about. Will follows him._

Will: How did Jack get that compass?

Gibbs: No one knows much about Jack Sparrow before he showed up in Tortuga and decided to go after the treasure of the Isla de Muerta back when he was captain of the Black Pearl.

Will: Are you fricken serious!

Gibbs: Yeah well I'm not surprised he didn't tell you that. A hard learned lesson it was. See three days out to sea the first mate says that everything, including the location of the treasure, should be an equal share. Jack gives up the bearing and, bam, mutiny. Marooned him on an island and left him to die, but no before he'd gone mad from the heat.

_Will does a fabulous impersonation of Jack's wacky walk. Gibbs glares at him._

Will: Sorry.

Gibbs: Now Will, when a pirate's marooned he's given a pistol with a single shot. One shot. Not that's not good for food or rescue, lest it's rescue from yourself after three days without food or water, if you know what I mean. But Jack escaped the island and he still has that one shot. Oh he won't use it though, save on one man. His mutinous first mate.

Will: Barbossa.

Gibbs: Aye.

Will: How'd Jack get off the island?

Gibbs: He mastered the mating call of the giant sea turtles and called a pair to him. He roped them and lashed them together and made a raft.

Will: He roped sea turtles...what did he use for rope?

_Gibbs doesn't know what to say. Jack solves this and walks up behind him._

Jack: Human hair...

_Gibbs grins, Will is grossed out._

Jack: ...from my back.

_Will seriously doubts this but Jack is standing there, isn't he?_

Jack: Let go the anchor! Young Mister Turner and I are to go ashore.

Gibbs (discreetly but enough so Will is curious and listens): Captain, what if the worst should happen?

Jack: Keep to the Code.

Gibbs: Aye. Blame the rum.

Jack: No, the Code of the Brethren.

Gibbs: Oh, yes that makes more sense.

_Jack and Will row through the caves in a jolly boat, that's what it's called, not kidding. Jack, as would be suspected, is quite good at rowing and looks great doing it. Will is just holding a lantern and looking around at the crabs and dead bodies that litter the rock outcropping on either side of the boat._

Will: Er...what code is Gibbs to keep to if the worst should happen?

Jack: Pirates' Code. Any man that falls behind gets left behind. Or as I am apt to say 'Blame the rum'.

Will: No heroes amongst thieves eh?

Jack: Nope, just drunks.

Will: I still think pirates suck.

Jack: You know, for hating pirates so pretty much there already. You sprung a man from jail, commandeered a ship of the fleet, sailed with a buccaneer crew out of Tortuga and you're completely obsessed with treasure.

_He adds this last bit because Will has been eye raping the treasure in the water to avoid looking at Jack. _

Will: That's not true. I just don't like to look at you, pirate scum.

Jack: Okay, you've got to stop that. I'm seriously this close to just killing you.

Will: But I'm not obsessed with treasure!

Jack: Not all treasure is silver and gold mate.

_The pull the boat up out of the water next to all the other boats and sneak off, Will thinking about what Jack just said because Jack is so right that he is obsessed with Elizabeth and Will just might be a little embarrassed. They look over some rock to see Barbossa ranting next to a stone chest, a little volcano and Elizabeth looking totally scared out of her wits. _

Barbossa (yelling like a maniac): Gentlemen, the time has come. Our salvation is nigh. Our torment is near an end. Ten years we've been tested and tried and each man here has proved his worth one hundred times over and one hundred times again!

_The pirates totally love Barbossa's motivational speaking. _

Pirates: Yeah!

Barbossa: Punished we were, the loves disproportional to our crimes. Here it is!

_He kicks the cover off the stone chest._

Barbossa: The cursed treasure of Cortez himself! And here is Mount Mini Muerta, where this gold must be returned once the curse is broken.

Elizabeth: Wait a minute, this sounds very familiar. Did you get this out of a book or something?

_Barbossa looks like he's seriously that close to killing her._

Barbossa: Every last piece that went astray we have returned...save for this!

_The pirates are loving this and make neck slicing motions. Elizabeth is sure that 'parlay' is the dumbest word in her vocabulary. Will is not happy about this from where he is hiding._

Will: Jack!

_He starts to move, dislodging coins and making the monkey look in their direction. Jack pulls him down back into the passageway._

Jack: Not yet, we wait for the opportune moment.

_He starts to leave_.

Will: When's that? When it's of greatest profit to you?

_Jack has realized that Will might know too much._

Jack: Can I ask you something? Have I ever given you reason not to trust me?

_Will looks as though he seriously has, but Jack continues._

Jack: Do us a favor, I know it's difficult for you but please stay here and try not to do anything stupid.

_Jack slinks away into the darkness leaving Will to think, not a good idea_.

_Jack is watching the proceedings when he hears a shadow come up behind him. He turns around to be hit in the face with an oar. By Will. The bastard._

Will: Sorry Jack, I'm not gonna be your leverage.

_He walks off to rescue Elizabeth his way._

_The pirates start a chant. Barbossa grabs her hand, puts the medallion in it and then slices her palm open with a rusty knife. She gasps, that's probably tetanus rushing through her veins right now._

Elizabeth: That's it? You cut my hand and give me tetanus? Why didn't you just kill me?

Barbossa: Waste not. But I was seriously that close to doing it. You are so annoying.

_He holds her hand over the chest and makes her drops the bloody medallion in. The medallion falls in slow-mo and makes the other coins move a bit, also in slow-mo. He then forgets about her almost instantly, standing still to see if he feels different. Which he doesn't. He opens his eyes. The pirates are talking among themselves._

Koehler: Did it work?

Ragetti: I don't feel no different.

Pintel: How do we tell?

_Barbossa rolls his eyes and shoots Pintel in the chest. Everyone is silent. Pintel is not dead._

Koehler: You're not dead.

Pintel: No...he shot me!

Twigg: The curse is still upon us!

_Barbossa examines the knife while the pirates continue to complain._

Barbossa: You, maid, your father, what was his name?

_Elizabeth is silent, but smiles triumphantly. Barbossa shakes her, hoping information will fall out of her mouth._

Barbossa: Was your father William Turner?

Elizabeth: No.

Barbossa: Then where is his child? The child that sailed from England eight years ago? The child in whose veins flows the blood of William Turner? Hmm?

_She says nothing, annoying smile still on her face. Barbossa backhands her. It is better than when she slapped Norrington, it is better than all those times Jack got slapped, it probably could have broken her jaw. For some reason, if only to continue the chase, Barbossa lets the medallion in his hand, that I forgot to mention, fall with her and she lands in a heap of skirts at the bottom of the treasure hill. The volcano is pissed. It wanted its ring medallion back._

Twigg: You brought us here for nothin'!

Barbossa: I won't take questioning nor second guesses, not from the likes of you Master Twigg.

Bo 'sun: Who's too blame here, every decision you've made 's led us from bad to worse.

Random Pirate: It was you who sent Bootstrap to the depths.

Bo 'sun (drawing his sword): And it's you who led us here in the first.

_Barbossa draws his sword._

Barbossa: Any coward that dare challenge me, let him speak. Hmm?

_No one dares._

_On the other side of the treasure mound Will materializes out of the water and garbs Elizabeth by the face. She wakes up and, amazingly doesn't scream. He leads her away, but not before she grabs the medallion._

_The Bo 'sun rounds on Pintel and Ragetti. _

Bo 'sun: You two.

_They are so scared it's not even funny._

Bo 'sun: You brought us the wrong person.

Pintel: No! She had the medallion, she's the proper age.

Ragetti: She said her name was Turner, you heard her.

_The pirates did hear her._

Ragetti: I think she lied to us.

_In the background the monkey sees Will and Elizabeth sneak out of the treasure cave. He points and cackles, they sneak faster. Seriously freaky monkey._

_Barbossa catches the monkey action and looks to where Elizabeth fell, she's gone. So is the medallion._

Barbossa: The medallion! She's taken it! Get after her you feckless band of ingrates! Or by god I'll have your heads!

Ragetti: Dude, not cool.

_The pirates pile into the caves, Will and Elizabeth are no where to be found. Neither are the oars._

Pirates: Where's the oars?

Bo 'sun: The oars have gone missin'. Find them!

_As the pirates search for the oars a fingue emerges from the shadows leaning on an oar. He walks right into Pintel and Ragetti._

Pintel: You! You're supposed to be dead.

Jack: Am I not?

_He looks down and sees that he is, in fact, not dead._

Jack: Oh.

_He turns around and walks back into the passage and comes face to face with a pistol. He makes a face and turns around to meet Pintel's pistol._

Jack (resolutely): Puppy dogs.

_No that can't be right. The pirates think so too._

Jack: Parsley. Parliament. Partner. Partner...par—

Ragetti: Parlay?

Jack: That's the one! Parlay! Parlay!

Pintel: Parlay? Damn to the depths whatever muttonhead thought up parlay.

Jack: That would be Miss Swann.

_The oars were in fact stolen by Will and Elizabeth and they left a trail of them leading to the Interceptor. They climb up the side and Elizabeth is not impressed._

Elizabeth: You stole the Commodore's ship and gave it to pirates? Not cool.

Gibbs: Welcome aboard Miss Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: Mr. Gibbs? The drunk from the Dauntless? This keeps getting stranger.

Gibbs: Hey boy, where be Jack?

Elizabeth: Jack? Jack Sparrow? Captain Jack Sparrow? He threatened me once you know. I think I enjoyed myself too much...

_She rambles on about loving pirates and Will is seriously that close to killing her. Or just slapping her. But slapping her to rival Barbossa. After all, no one likes a fangirl...ha._

Elizabeth: So where is Jack?

Will: He fell behind.

Elizabeth: Damn.

Will: I don't even want to know why you're disappointed.

_Jack is now leaning jauntily on his oar in a ring of nasty pirates awaiting Barbossa, who he wants to kill so bad but will trick first, many times in fact. He grins as Barbossa pushes his way into the center of the circle._

Barbossa: How the hell did you escape?

Jack: You forget Barbossa, I'm Captain Jack Sparrow. I can do ANYTHING.

Barbossa: Yeah well, I won't be making that mistake again. Gents, you all remember _Captain_ Jack Sparrow? Kill him.

_Jack disappears in a puff of smoke._

Barbossa: Oh won't this be fun.

_He shoots the base of the oar. Jack reappears._

Jack: Damn.

Barbossa: As I said, kill him.

Jack: The girl's blood didn't work, did it?

_Barbossa sighs. Jack certainly is good, he has to admit that._

Barbossa: And I suppose you know whose blood we need?

Jack: I know whose blood you need.

Barbossa: Jack, I'll have you know I was seriously that close to actually killing you.

Jack: I know. Let's just see how this all plays out, shall we?

_Meanwhile, Horatio falls in love with Esmeralda. This is going to play out weird, that's for sure._

**A/N: Esmeralda is Barbossa's hat, fyi.**


	12. Oh Snap

**Parody of the Caribbean: Curse of the Bungled Prose**

Oh Snap

_The Interceptor sails away from Isla del Muerta and Will and Elizabeth are sitting alone in a cabin, how inappropriate. Elizabeth is trying to bind the wound on her hand unsuccessfully._

Will: How could a man trade another man's life for a ship?

Elizabeth: He's a pirate, give him a break. Can you help me?

_Will helps her._

Elizabeth: Ew, calluses.

Will: Sorry, blacksmith's hands.

_They stare at each other in the murky candlelight and then both surge forward and almost kiss but don't. It is still a Disney movie, can't break the one kiss rule yet, at least not until Dead Man's Chest. But Elizabeth takes Will's hand and practically puts it down her dress._

Will: Score! I didn't think you were like that Elizabeth but hey...

_Elizabeth puts his hand on the medallion. Will brings it out of her cleavage and stares at it._

Elizabeth: Remember this? I stole it from you eight years ago.

Will: I thought I lost this. It was a gift from my father. He sent it to me from his travels. Why did you steal it from me?

Elizabeth: Because I thought you were a pirate!

Will: It wasn't your blood they needed. It was my father's blood, my blood, the blood of a pirate.

Elizabeth: What? You're a pirate too! Result!

_Will does not think this is cool at all. He slams the medallion down on the table. Elizabeth pouts out of the room._

_Meanwhile on the Black Pearl Jack and Barbossa are negotiating._

Barbossa: So you expect to leave me standing on some beach with nothing but a name and watch you sail away with my ship?

Jack: Of course I don't. I expect to leave you standing on some beach with no name at all while you watch me sail away with my ship and then I'll shout the name back to you. Savvy?

Barbossa: That still leaves me standing on a beach with nothing but your word and Esmeralda.

Jack: Nope, you have to leave Esmeralda, Horatio can get very lonely.

Barbossa: That's bollocks and you know it.

Jack: But I'm the only one on this ship who hasn't committed mutiny so I get to say what's what.

_Jack then takes all of Barbossa's apples out of the bowl, sniffs each one, licks each one then bites into one after putting all the licked ones back. He goes one step further and offers Barbossa one. Barbossa is pissed._

Bo 'sun: Captain, Interceptor, dead ahead.

Barbossa goes to look at the Interceptor; Jack follows after the monkey spazes out at him.

Jack (through Barbossa's telescope): I've got a brilliant idea.

Barbossa: Everytime you say that I hear stupid instead of brilliant but let's hear it anyway.

Jack: What say we run up a flag of truce, I scurry over to the Interceptor and negotiate the return of your medallion eh? What say you to that?

Barbossa: I say why negotiate when you can kill? You always were a softie. Lock him in the brig.

_As Jack is hauled off to the brig Barbossa takes the apple he was eating from him and looks at it in disgust. He throws it but it hits the one bit of sail in all the holes and bounces back to hit him in the face._

Barbossa: Blast!

_The Interceptor charges through the waves, after all she's the fastest ship in the Caribbean. It is on that note that Elizabeth, rejected by Will and without a sexy pirate to comfort her, comes up on deck to check the progress of things._

AnaMaria: Damn.

Elizabeth: What's the matter?

AnaMaria: We're not the fastest ship in the Caribbean anymore.

Midget: Oh snap.

Elizabeth: But...but...goddamit! If I ever get back I'm going to kill Norrington, the lying bastard.

Gibbs: Oh believe me Miss Elizabeth, it's not his fault. Our idiot captain let two women on board. I warned him but nooooooooooooo. TWO WOMEN!

_Gibbs is soundly slapped and shuts up right quick._

Elizabeth: We're shallower on the draft right?

_The crew stares at her. Pirates don't know technical nautical stuff, just the basics. Elizabeth translates._

Elizabeth: So couldn't we lose them amongst those shoals?

Gibbs: Sure cause an eighteen year old spoilt princess knows more 'bout sailing than I do.

AnaMaria: It's good enough for me. Lighten the ship stem to stern!

Gibbs: Anything we can afford to lose see that it's lost.

_The crew throws the Commodore's scones and fine English furniture overboard along with all the pretty guns, cannonballs, gunpowder and everything else that could be of use. Barbossa watches all this through his telescope and smirks as the Bo 'sun shoves Jack into a leaky cell in the brig. Mistreatment of his Pearl, those bastards are going to pay later. _

Barbossa: Haul on the main brace, make ready the guns and run out the sweeps.

_Which means something like: We've got to catch them somehow and these sails ain't doing the trick. The Black Pearl starts rowing after the Interceptor. Everyone on the Interceptor wishes they hadn't just dumped all the cannonballs into the ocean. _

AnaMaria: Gibbs, why the hell did you listen to an eighteen year old spoilt princess? Wait, don't tell me. Blame the rum?

Gibbs: Aye, that's the ticket.

_He takes another swig out of his neck flask as Will rushes up on deck to join in the hopeless heroics._

Will: We must fight! Load the guns!

AnaMaria: Where were you when we were throwing all that stuff overboard, smart guy?

Will: I was sulking over my failed opportune moments. I'm rubbish without Jack around to tell me when to jump.

AnaMaria: Well you sure missed a big one.

Midget: Oh snap.

Will: Well, how 'bout we put other stuff in the cannons?

Gibbs: Like what? Stale scones?

Midget: The parrot?

Will: Anything! Everything! Anything we have left.

Gibbs: Load the guns! Anything that will fit and pack a punch.

AnaMaria: Looks like this is good-bye Marty.

Midget: The hell I'm going in a cannon!

AnaMaria: I tell you this plan is either stupid or stupid.

Gibbs: Aye, just like Jack. Hop to now or you're going in the cannons with Marty.

_The crew scurries to load the stale scones and silverware into the cannons. Gibbs' neck flask finds its way in there two but Marty escapes detection by standing on a rum flask with a long coat on. He didn't think to help out the other midget who gets stuffed into a cannon. _

Midget Whose Name is Marty: Oh snap.

_But alas, the Black Pearl is still catching up and everyone is very worried. Elizabeth thinks she's clever._

Elizabeth: Lower the anchor on the starboard side.

AnaMaria: What's a star board?

Elizabeth: Will, these have got to be the worst pirates I've ever heard of. The right side!

Will: Yes, that'd be a neat trick. Do it and let's see what happens.

_She does and the anchor goes down fast and snags a reef. The monkey watches curiously from Barbossa's shoulder until the Interceptor swings violently towards them, then he heads for the hills, or the sails in this case. _

Barbossa: They're clubhauling! (I think?) Hard a-port, rack the starboard oars.

_The Black Pearl swings around to meet them and the two ships pull along side each other for the battle of their lives. _


	13. The Pointless Battle

**Parody of the Caribbean: Curse of the Bungled Prose**

The Pointless Battle

Barbossa, Will, and Elizabeth: FIRE!1!

_They do and wood splinters everywhere._

Jack (narrowly avoiding some cutlery): Stop blowing holes in my ship!

_More holes get blown in his ship by cutlery. Ragetti even gets a fork in the eye. _

Pintel (pulling it out): Yum!

_He gets forked in the eye and is not so lucky to have a wooden one._

_Back on the Interceptor where the good pirates are totally losing since they can die. _

Gibbs: Anymore brilliant ideas? First you said get rid of the cannons, then you said fight. What other paradoxical possibilities have you got for us miss?

AnaMaria: Do you even know what paradoxical means?

Elizabeth: Sorry, but I'm fresh out.

Gibbs: We need us a devil's dowry.

AnaMaria: Gibbs, stick to the words you know, like rum and...rum.

Gibbs: Fine, we need to give 'em something so they stop killing us.

AnaMaria: We'll give 'em the spoilt princess who knows nothing about sailing.

Will: No you won't.

AnaMaria: My gun says I will, what's your reason?

Will: Well, she stuck my hand down her dress, that's reason enough for me. And I think they're more partial to spooky costume jewelry anyway.

_Elizabeth grabs at her cleavage but finds nothing there (oh snap)._

Elizabeth: Will, what did you do with my medallion? I stole it fair and square.

_Will jumps up and dodges the bullets being fired at him till he finds the hatch that leads below. In the fray the table's been tipped over and the floors been flooded so it's a bit more difficult than Will thought. _

Barbossa: Arrr! Prepare to board!

_Pintel and Ragetti load the cannonballs chained together into a cannon and fire it, taking the mainmast down in one hit, that's a trick to remember. The mainmast falls right on the hatch that Will has just disappeared into, funny how that works, isn't it? Will is more worried about the rising water and lack of medallion to notice._

Barbossa: Koehler and Twigg to the powder magazine! And the rest of you bring me that medallion!

_The pirates throw lots of scary hooks over to the Interceptor and swing across to kill more efficiently. Koehler and Twigg gather all the gunpowder up and prepare to blow the Interceptor sky high. _

_Meanwhile in the brig Jack has found Gibbs neck flask and decides to have a last drink because he'll probably die down here. But the flask is rubbish and so is the door to his cell, which can't stand up to exploding cutlery. He sneaks up on deck, totally immune to bullets and exploding cutlery, and catches a rope some poor bloke needed till he fell to his death._

Jack: Thanks very much.

_He swings over to the Interceptor, saves Gibbs from sudden death and sobriety and goes off killing undead pirates himself. _

_Will's luck has just run out as the smartass spaz monkey has just taken his medallion and he is waist deep in water that is just getting higher._

_Elizabeth's luck has also run out because she's grabbed by a pirate while trying to reload a musket she shouldn't know how to use. But Jack remedies that._

Jack: That's no way to treat a spoilt princess mate.

_Elizabeth uses the gun to smack the pirate into the water._

Jack: Where's the medallion?

Elizabeth: Oh Jack, finally we're together again and that's all you can think of?

Jack: Well...yes?

Elizabeth: How can you be so selfish!

Jack: Okay, where's your hapless boyfriend?

Elizabeth: He's not my boyfriend...OMG WILL!

_She rushes off to be ineffective and Jack rushes off to chase a monkey. _

Elizabeth: Will! What are you doing down there?

Will: Just move the mast!

Elizabeth: But it's a mast. It's kind of heavy.

_She is dragged away by pirates, leaving Will to drown. _

_Jack crawls across the mast after the monkey who reaches Barbossa before he does. Damn monkey._

Barbossa: Why, thank you Jack.

Jack: You're welcome, slimy bastard.

Barbossa: Not you, we named the monkey Jack.

_The monkey smirks in a monkey-ish way. _

Jack: Well, wasn't that clever.

Barbossa: Gents, our hope is restored!

Cursed Pirates: YEAH!

Captured Pirates: Damn.

Jack: Won't this be fun.

_Back on what's left of the Interceptor Will has run out of air so he dives down to where there is less air and maybe a hole. And Koehler and Twigg finally finish with the gunpowder and light it as Will swims out of view._

Pintel (tying the good pirates and Elizabeth to the mast): Any of you so much as thinks the word parlay and I'll have your guts for garters.

_Barbossa smirks at this and watches the Interceptor sink. Just as it blows up (which is awesome) Elizabeth gets out of the ropes (how?) and runs to the edge._

Elizabeth: WILL! Noooooooo...sobs in a whisper Comfort me Jack.

Jack: No!

Elizabeth: Fine.

_She takes out her anger on Barbossa, who looks disgusted at being beaten on by a whiny spoilt princess._

Barbossa: Welcome back Miss. You took advantage of our hospitality last time so it holds fair now that you return the favor.

_He throws her to the waiting pirates who grope her, quite a lot. Jack looks sullen that he's passed this up now._

Will: Barbossa!

_No one was expecting this. Especially Elizabeth._

Elizabeth (under her breath): Damn.

Will (grabbing the gun): She goes free!

Barbossa: Where have you been for the first half of the movie?

Will: Um...listening to Jack's stupid ideas and trying to be heroic?

Barbossa: That's your problem, see, you've only got one shot and we can't die.

Jack: Don't' do anything I wouldn't do.

_Will thinks about this and then puts the gun to his own head._

Will: You can't, I can.

Elizabeth: This might turn out okay after all.

Jack: Like that, Will. I sure wouldn't do that.

Barbossa: Why the hell do you think you have anything to bargain with? You're a nobody.

Jack: Exactly.

Will: My name is Will Turner. My father was Bootstrap Bill Turner. His blood runs in my veins.

Jack: You're not too smart are you?

Barbossa: Yeah but neither was his father.

Jack: True.

Will: Do as I say or I pull this trigger and you stay cursed.

Barbossa: We could probably get enough of your blood when you blew your head off, so go right ahead.

Elizabeth: Be careful to spill enough Will.

Will: Are you on their side?

Elizabeth: I'm on whatever side gets me a good looking pirate.

_She stares pointedly at Jack, who slowly moves away._

Will: Fine, then I'll just take a cannonball and jump off the edge.

Barbossa: Fine, name your terms Mr. Turner.

Will: Elizabeth goes free.

Barbossa: Anything else?

Will: And the crew are not to be harmed.

Elizabeth: Will! What about Jack?

Will: Who cares?

Jack and Elizabeth: I do!

_Barbossa and Will both ignore them._

Barbossa: Agreed.

_With a side of nasty teeth._


	14. The Rabid Pirate Lover's Lucky Day

**A/N: This is totally my favorite part to parody. Mwhahahahahah...**

**Parody of the Caribbean: Curse of the Bungled Prose**

The Rabid Pirate Lover's Lucky Day

_The Black Pearl has sailed to a lovely little island with white beaches and palm trees and nothing else. They don't know it yet but this is to be Jack and Elizabeth's new home. Yay for Elizabeth huh? Elizabeth, still in her puffy wine red pirate dress is standing on the edge of the plank trying to delay jumping to the sharks below._

Shark: Hello there gorgeous, fancy coming home with me for dinner? In the sense that I don't eat you of course...

Elizabeth: Thanks, I'll stick to my own species.

Shark: But pirates are a different species.

Elizabeth: I think I can make an exception.

Pintel: Go on poppet, walk the plank.

Will: Barbossa you lying bastard! You swore she'd go free.

Jack: Watch your mouth boy.

Barbossa: How dare you impugn me honor! I agreed she go free but it was you who failed to specify when or where. We practice a free interpretation of the Code of the Brethren on this ship. Mwhahahahaha...

Jack: Yeah, you've got to be one step ahead of Barbossa to get anything. Looks like you'll have a hard time doing that won't you lad?

_Will is gagged and handed to a pirate, who I think keeps smelling him, it's a bit disturbing. _

Barbossa: Though it does seem a shame to lose something so fine don't it lads? So you can just throw the dress overboard and stay with us honey.

Elizabeth: Um...no thanks?

_She throws him the dress instead._

Barbossa: Fine, have it your way. Sharks can be quite polite sometimes, but I wouldn't count on it. Off you go.

_She walks to the edge again. This time she stares at Will, longingly? He looks a bit desperate but probably because there is a pirate smelling him and he could be in for a long voyage, if you catch my drift. Monkeys hiss and pirates grumble; the dumb girl doesn't get it does she?_

Bo 'sun: Too long!

_He stamps on the end of the plan and sends Elizabeth flying._

Elizabeth: AHHHHHHHH!

_Will looks worried, pirates laugh and Jack pretends to laugh along until he is pushed to the edge as well._

Barbossa: Why look Jack, it's the same little island that we made you governor of on our last little trip.

Jack: You can't be serious. You know it won't do any good to maroon me again. I'm

Captain Jack Sparrow.

Barbossa: Well, I think I'll risk it. Follow the lady if you please.

_Jack looks at the water and then reconsiders._

Jack: If it's all the same to you I'd rather not be stuck on an island with a rabid pirate lover. Who knows what she'll do to me? I'd be a wonderful swabbie, promise.

Barbossa: No, it'll be more fun for me to know you're stuck on an island with a rabid pirate lover.

Jack: Well, can I at least have a pistol with one shot? For old times sake?

Barbossa: Sure, why not. Have your sword and compass too for all I care.

_He takes the bundle and throws it in the water. _

Jack: Damn you Barbossa.

_He dives in, punches all the sharks in the face with his hands bound and then grabs his stuff before he drowns._

Jack (coughing up water as he walks to shore): That's the second time that man's sailed away with my ship and there won't be a third.

_Elizabeth is silent; Jack steals a look at her. She's staring at him intently, edging closer._

Jack: Um...what are you doing Miss Swann?

Elizabeth: Oh please, don't bother with the niceties. Call me Elizabeth, or Lizzie. Either's fine.

Jack: Okay...Elizabeth.

Elizabeth (feigning a sigh/swoon): Oh Jack, what ever are we to do all alone on this island to pass the time?

_Jack is silent._

Elizabeth: I've some suggestions, if you'd like to hear them. Pity we don't have shackles, those would have been extra fun.

_Jack's eyes widen and he marches off resolutely towards some palm trees. Elizabeth follows after him._

Elizabeth: But you're Captain Jack Sparrow! You know, Will told me about all those women in Tortuga. You can hardly have an excuse.

Jack: I'd have to have a lot more to drink and sadly we're on a desert island so I don't think that's going to happen.

_Elizabeth knocks on a weird tree, takes some weird steps and then opens a trap door to a room full of rum. She looks pointedly at Jack. _

Jack: Wha...how'd you know? What gave it away?

Elizabeth: There was a sign nailed to a tree we passed earlier. And I'm a spoilt princess; I always get what I want. Now, start drinking.

Jack: Only if you drink too.

Elizabeth: Deal.

Jack: Ha, you're an eighteen year female old aristocrat, there's no way you can out drink me.

Elizabeth: Who said out drink?

_She tosses him a bottle and takes a swig of her own._

Elizabeth (skipping off down the beach): We're devils, we're black sheep, we're really bad eggs. Drink up me hearties yo ho!

Jack: Barbossa needs to die.

_Some hours later around a giant bonfire..._

Jack and Elizabeth (totally hammered): We're devils, we're black sheep, we're really bad eggs. Drink up me hearties yo ho! Yo ho, yo ho, a pirates' life for me!

_They link arms and spin around before collapsing on the sand in fits of giggles._

Jack: I love this song!

Elizabeth: Me too.

_They stare at each other, both trying to think of something coherent to say. They can't. They settle for making out on the beach until both of them pass out._

Crab Passing By: That was hot.


	15. The Morning After

**Parody of the Caribbean: Curse of the Bungled Prose**

The Morning After

_Jack wakes up to the smell of smoke and the sound of something burning. He has one hell of a hangover, but that's normal. He looks for the source of the burning and finds Elizabeth throwing all the rum onto a big bonfire._

Jack: OMG NO! YOU'RE HURTING IT!

Elizabeth: Oh please. There's plenty more rum in the world.

Jack: Yes, but we're trapped on an island!

Elizabeth: Well, too bad, the rum is gone.

Jack (the best line ever): Why is the rum gone!

Elizabeth: You know perfectly well why the rum is gone.

Jack: Hey, you passed out too and burning the rum totally ruins your chances.

Elizabeth: Whatever, the Royal Navy can see that signal and I prefer Commodores to pirates now.

_Jack almost shoots her but thinks better of it; Barbossa really deserves that bullet now. _

Jack (marching off down the beach): Damn woman doesn't know what she wants.

_He sees the Dauntless and a boat full of sailors rowing to shore._

Jack: Bugger.

_Back on the Dauntless..._

Elizabeth: We have to save Will! He won't turn me down and I need someone else's life to ruin.

Papa Swann: No.

Elizabeth: But Daddy—

Papa Swann: No. Will sucks, pirates suck, and if you want to get married you're marrying Commodore Norrington.

Elizabeth: But Daddy...

_She grins evilly._

Elizabeth (feigning desperation): Oh Commodore, please save Will. I'll do anything.

Comm. Norrington: Absolutely not...wait, did you say anything?

Elizabeth: I don't like that look on your face James.

Comm. Norrington: What? Oh sorry, of course I'll save Will but only if you'll marry me.

Elizabeth: Sure, why not?

Jack: Score! More rum!

Comm. Norrington (ignoring Jack): Really? You'll be mine and give yourself to me every night? And sometimes, just after lunch?

Elizabeth: Dude, you need to get out more.

_Norrington ignores this last remark and turns to Jack. _

Comm. Norrington: Sparrow, you'll accompany these fine men to the helm and provide us with the bearing to Isla del Muerta. You shall then spend the rest of the voyage contemplating all possible meanings of the phrase 'silent as the grave'. Do I make myself clear?

Jack: You're just jealous that I got some, mate.

Elizabeth: You did not you liar.

Jack: I got closer than anyone in this bloody trilogy so far. And you wanted it.

_Elizabeth can't deny that so she slaps him._

Elizabeth: Hurry up and lock him in the brig.


	16. Everyone, Except Will, is Thinking of On

**A/N: Yes, a bit suggestive I know but it's funny and it's probably what you want. Imagine what I can do to DMC? On that note if anyone knows where I can the script online it would help a lot for reference. As it is I can't remember DMC that well, I must need to see it again...hmm...**

**Parody of the Caribbean: Curse of the Bungled Prose**

Everyone, Except Will, is Thinking of One Thing

_Pintel is swabbing the decks of the brig with a cage of the crew on one side and a cage of Will on the other side. He obviously doesn't want to be there, Ragetti is lurking in the background._

Cotton's Parrot: My grandmother could do a better job you sorry son of a squawk!

_Cotton gets a face full of dirty brig water._

Will: You knew William Turner?

Pintel: Bootstrap Bill? Aye, we knew him. Never sat well with Bootstrap what we did to Jack Sparrow. Bit of a softie if you ask me.

Will (angrily): My father was not a softie!

Pintel: Son, you're just not that bright are you?

_Will sees now that he is unarmed and in a cage surrounded on the outside by very armed pirates. _

Will: Sorry, it's a habit I need to kick.

Pintel: As I was saying. He said the mutiny wasn't right with the code. Hah! Well, we sure taught him a lesson. Mwhahahaha...

Ragetti: Tell him the good part.

Pintel: I'm getting there! I need a moment to seem evil.

Ragetti: Oh sure and I'm just the comic relief. Me and Turner's ineffectuality.

Will: Excuse me?

Pintel: Both of you shut up, I'm telling a story! Anyway, the good part. So the captain, since he's a fun loving kinda guy had your ol' dad flogged, dunked, thrown in with sharks, keelhauled, buried alive and finally strapped to a cannon and thrown down to the crushing black oblivion of Davy Jones Locker. And then we found out that we needed his blood to lift the curse.

Ragetti: I love it when you tell this story. It makes me feel like a real pirate.

Pintel: You are a real pirate.

Ragetti: But everyone's much more vicious than us. Haven't you noticed?

_Will is being sick in the corner._

Will: That's really nasty you know.

Pintel: We're pirates mate, it's our job.

Barbossa (coming down the hatch): Bring him. I want to get in some keelhauling before we dock.

_The pirates laugh maliciously and drag Will out of the brig._

_Commodore Norrington watches the few pirates left on the Black Pearl from his telescope. _

Comm. Norrington: I don't care for the situation.

Jack: Why not? Do you think they could ambush you from the caves?

Comm. Norrington: No, you're sitting in my lap Sparrow and it makes me rather uncomfortable. I make a huge point of hating pirates, especially you.

Jack (evilly): There's a lot of obsessed people out there who would say differently, if you get my drift.

Comm. Norrington: What on earth are you talking about?

Jack: Have you ever heard of fanfiction?

Comm. Norrington: No. Get your arms off me!

Jack: Sorry.

Comm. Norrington: Why are you doing that anyway?

Jack: I'm trying to make Elizabeth jealous, stupid tart. Flaunts herself and then gets herself engaged, not that I'm one to care about that, but I don't want to give you anymore reason to kill me. Bloody women eh?

Comm. Norrington: Well, I could have a word with her if you like; we'd wait till after the wedding of course.

Jack: You sure you've never heard of fanfiction? You have a dirty mind Commodore.

Comm. Norrington: Yes, it comes from all the years of English repression.

Jack: Poor guy.

Comm. Norrington: Anyway, this ambush you were talking about?

Jack: Yes, if I go in and convince Barbossa to get his men to row out in their little boats then you and your mates return to the Dauntless and blow 'em to smithereens with your little guns, what've you got to lose?

Comm. Norrington: Sparrow if this is ever going to work you need to get some things straight. First of all they're my troops or marines, not my mates. And second I don't have 'little guns' I've cannons, very big cannons that really will blow them to smithereens.

Jack: Do I smell an innuendo Commodore? Big cannons? Or are you just being English and proper?

Comm. Norrington: I was merely correcting your speech. It's something the upper class like to do, along with eat scones in their lovely little tea rooms.

Jack: Sorry 'bout that. I'll send you some currants.

Comm. Norrington: Oh, thanks, that'd be great.

Jack: Now, if this is going to work there is still a slight risk to those aboard the Dauntless, including that scheming, conniving wench who against my best instincts I still want to—

Comm. Norrington: It's in your best interest that you not finish that sentence.

Jack: It's true! She's the only woman around. Everyone wants to. You're just lucky you get to marry her.

Comm. Norrington: What about that woman on your crew?

Jack: AnaMaria? She'd castrate any man as soon as look at him. Not a good idea. Just have that idiot lieutenant of yours tie her up so she's still there when we get back.

Comm. Norrington: Will do. Off you go.

_On the Dauntless Elizabeth is frog marched by Gillette into the grand cabin and placed under house arrest._

Elizabeth: What the hell is going on! I have to tell the Commodore that the pirates are cursed!

Gillette: You haven't had your medication lately have you?

Elizabeth: Shut up you pompous arse! You're a no good lieutenant and you know it.

Gillette: You know very well that insulting me will get you no where.

Elizabeth: Fine. I'll stay here but you have to tell the Commodore about the cursed pirates.

Gillette: He already knows. A lovely mermaid flopped up on deck and told him the whole story.

Elizabeth: Bollocks.

Gillette: No it's not. He and Sparrow has quite a good time with her.

Elizabeth: What is it with all you men? Can't you think about anything else?

Gillette: You're the only woman in this movie, what else is there to think about? We can see your ankles for Christ's sake. Quite lovely ankles if I must say.

Elizabeth: Go off and play with your mermaid and stop looking at my ankles you perv.

_Gillette locks her in and she goes off to pout and sew a mermaid suit._


	17. What's In Those Brownies?

**Parody of the Caribbean: Curse of the Bungled Prose**

What's In Those Brownies?

_Jack rows into the caves in one of the Commodore's longboats looking entirely too happy._

_Will is dragged through the caves towards Mount Mini Muerta and the stone chest being taunted by Pintel and Ragetti._

Pintel: Don't worry Turner, just a little cut, few drops of blood.

Twigg: Nope, he's only half Turner, we spill it all. Mwhahahaha...

_Will is dragged away._

Pintel: I'd be worried if I was him.

_Barbossa is on top of the treasure mountain ready to give his awe inspiring speech again. You can tell because the pirates are all chanting, but maybe they just want Will's throat cut._

Barbossa: Begun by blood, by blood undone...

_Jack pushes his way through the throngs of pirates and makes his way to the base of the treasure mound._

Barbossa: Pintel, what did you put in those brownies?

Pintel: Um...kelp?

Jack: No, I'm really here.

Barbossa: That's impossible.

Jack: No it's not, the sea turtles are very good friends of mine.

Will: Where's Elizabeth?

Jack (with a mental image in his head): She's...hah...she's safe, just like I promised. She's all set to marry Norrington just like she promised and you get to die for her just like you promised. So we're all men of our word really. Except for Elizabeth because she's a bloody tease.

Barbossa: Shut up, you're next.

Jack: No I'm not.

Barbossa: Oh I think you are, now let me kill Turner here.

Jack: You're funeral.

Barbossa: Why don't I want to be doing this?

Jack: Because I'm buddies with the Commodore now and he and his army, which is much bigger than you and your army, is floating just off shore waiting for you.

Barbossa: I don't believe you.

Jack: Oh no? And you really think I got here on sea turtles?

Barbossa: You've got me there.

_The Royal Navy is still sitting out in their 'little boats'. Norrington is in deep thought of things to come and the marines are bored as hell._

Murtogg: Why are sitting out in the middle of the ocean in these bloody leaky longboats?

Mullroy (rolling his eyes): You're in the same book as Turner aren't you? We're here to ambush the pirates that captured Miss Swann.

Murtogg: I know that, I meant why aren't we doing what Mr. Sparrow said we should do?

Comm. Norrington: Because I don't entirely trust him and I'm taking him right back into custody as soon as he sets foot out of these caves. Then we'll see who's laughing.

Murtogg: Aren't you a bit over the edge on this matter sir?

Comm. Norrington: We're not talking about the same thing Mr. Murtogg. Have you ever heard of fanfiction?

_Back in the caves..._

Jack: Just hear me out. Your men row out to the Dauntless, they do what they do best. Robert's your uncle, Fanny's your aunt and there you are with two ships, the makings of your very own fleet. You'll take the grandest as your flagship of course, but what of the Pearl? Name me captain. I'll sail under your colors, I've give you ten percent of me plunder and you can introduce yourself at parties as Commodore Barbossa. Savvy?

_Barbossa is loving this; imagine how many apples the Dauntless could hold._

Barbossa: And I suppose you want me not to kill the whelp?

Jack: No. I'm bloody sick of him. I'd let you kill him even if the curse was broken.

Will: Jack!

Jack: Hey now, there's only one woman in this whole movie and you're competition.

Will: But she loves me.

Jack: HA!

Barbossa: So do you want me to break the curse or just kill the whelp?

Jack: Kill the whelp but wait to lift the curse until the opportune moment.

_He grabs a handful of coins._

Jack: For instance, after you've killed Norrington's men. Every...last...one.

_He let's the coins fall back into the chest but he might have palmed one, we're not sure._

Will (who totally saw this): You've been planning this from the beginning, ever since you learned my name!

Jack: Duh! One more thing Barbossa, you can't kill Norrington or Elizabeth. They're getting married and we must respect that. And they owe me.

Barbossa: Fine but I want fifty percent of your plunder.

Jack: Fifteen.

Barbossa: Forty.

Jack: Twenty five. And I'll buy you a bigger hat with more feathers, Commodore.

_That seals the deal._

Jack: All hands to the boats!

_Barbossa gives him a Look._

Jack: Sorry, what was I thinking? You're Commodore, you outrank me.

Barbossa: Gents, take a walk.

_This merits evil laughter from the pirates who make there way to the water. All except for Pintel and Ragetti, who get parasols shoved at them and an evil look from the Bo 'sun._


	18. Trojans Wore Skirts Too

**A/N: Sorry it took FOREVER but I've got school again and the updating is going to be slower as is the actual writing. I am working on it though, please bear with me.**

**Parody of the Caribbean: Curse of the Bungled Prose**

Trojans Wore Skirts Too

_The pirates wade into the water and walk along the bottom of the sea, turning to skeletons every time they pass through the moonlight. Many fish die of fright. When they reach the Dauntless they find a very convenient anchor at their disposal. No one said the Navy had brains._

_Out in the middle of the bay Norrington and the marines in the boats see a very strange sight indeed. A boat with two women in it has just rowed out of the caves. The marines go to shoot at it._

Comm. Norrington: Hold fire. This might be your lucky night lads.

_But it is not two young women; it is Pintel and Ragetti._

Ragetti: This is just like what the Greeks done at Troy. 'cept skirts was acceptable on blokes back then.

Pintel: No they was in a horse stead of dresses.

Ragetti: That's what I'm tellin' you. They was in both!

Pintel: Dear lord.

_The pirates have reached the top of the ropes and sneak up on deck to begin the killing. But no one notices. _

Papa Swann (approaching the cabin): You're dismissed. Elizabeth?

_She is not listening to him; she's busying tearing up all of Norrington's bed sheets._

Papa Swann: I'm very proud of the decision you made today. He's a much better choice than that blacksmith or that pirate. I'm sure you'll be very happy together.

_Elizabeth sighs. Her father has no idea._

Papa Swann: Better speak up now girl or there's nothing I can do for you later.

_Gillette sees the women in the boat too and he fancies a gander at them with his telescope, which I think is a bit pointless, it just takes his attention away from the people having their throats cut in the dark._

Papa Swann: Elizabeth: Are you listening to me? Have you had your medication lately? Because you know that without it you have the attention span of a duck.

_He opens the door to the cabin and finds Norrington's bed very much sheetless and a window open._

Papa Swann: Damnit! She's overdosed again. There's no telling what her mind can do when she can think!

_But Elizabeth knows that it's the rum, not the medication, that really helps._

_Because the loveable (yeah right) Swann family isn't getting anywhere we'll go back to the cross dressing skeletons. _

Ragetti: Yoohoo!

Pintel: Shut up. This is the dumbest thing we've ever had to do.

Ragetti: But I like that lieutenant.

Pintel: Well sorry to break it to you but he'd kill you soon as look at you.

Ragetti: That hurts my feelings.

Pintel: Well you're a pirate, suck it up.

Ragetti: I'll suck it up if you stop complaining about the dresses. I think they're very nice. That color really brings out your eyes.

_That's the last straw for Pintel. He beats Ragetti senseless with the umbrella before realizing what's going on and shooting at Gillette, who has seen that those aren't mermaids out for a pleasure cruise._

Ragetti: He'll never like me now!

Pintel: Especially since our chums are about to slice his pretty little wig off.

_Gillette sees this too and all the marines draw swords and engage the skeletons who can't die. They might as well have placed them under arrest._

_The Governator is still in Norrington's cabin, perhaps inspecting the contents of his sea chest, when he hears the fighting, goes for a look and then promptly shuts the door again_

_Back in the caves with Barbossa and the remainder of the gang, Jack is looting their treasure._

Barbossa: I thought I knew you Jack Sparrow.

Jack: Oh, you mean the treasure? Well, I'm dishonest. And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly? It's the honest ones you want to watch out for because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly stupid. Like hit you in the face with an oar

_He looks pointedly at Will._

Will: Sorry about that.

_Jack rolls his eyes, that's not what he was trying to convey. So he grabs Will's guard's sword, kicks him in the water and throws the sword to Will. Barbossa has a moment of nothingness in his brain before he engages Jack. The man needs to be taught a lesson for using all those fancy words on humble pirates. Will rocks at fighting pirates, even if they are already dead. Jack, on the other hand, really knows how to piss Barbossa off._

Jack: Take that Esmeralda!

_He slashes her pretty feathers to bits._

Horatio (in Jack's head): OMG NOOOOOOO!

Esmeralda (in Barbossa's head): Avenge me...dies

_All the hats in the audience burst into tears._

_Barbossa is really pissed now. _

Barbossa (grabbing Jack and making scary faces): You're off the edge of the map mate, here there be Krakens.

Jack: Not till number 2, don't get ahead of yourself.

_But he runs anyway, followed by Barbossa, spewing evil laughter._

_Elizabeth has successfully snuck out of the Commodore's cabin using the bed sheets, that girl knows her stuff, or at least she watches a lot of movies, which she found a lot of hidden in the Commodore's sea chest...hmm... Her little boat is tied up at the Black Pearl and she stealthily climbs up the side, avoiding the notice of the pirates on guard._

Pirate One: What do you want to eat first? Let's decide now so we're ready when the curse is lifted.

Pirate Two: I was thinking cake.

Pirate One: Cake? That's a dumb idea. Think on it. We've not had citrus for ten years cause there's no point in eating it. When the curse is lifted we'll drop dead of scurvy.

Pirate Two: That's clever thinking that is. What citrus do we got?

_They start eating oranges as fast as they can._

_Elizabeth clambers over the rail and is assaulted by a skeletal spaz monkey which she promptly grabs and hurls at a cannon sticking out of its gate. This also happens to be the cannon that the pirates are using as a kitchen table. _

Pirates One and Two: The hell was that?

_They rush out to see what the spaz monkeying was all about, missing Elizabeth hiding by the stairs by a mile. She rushes down into the brig._

Gibbs: It's about friggin' time! Did you get the key to the rum locker?

_Pintel and Ragetti reach the Dauntless and prepare the cannons to fire just as some very unlucky nameless young chap rings the ships' bell and is promptly run through. But not before the good Commodore hears is and sees the commotion onboard his ship._

Comm. Norrington: Who the hell do they think they are? Make for the ship!

_And they do, maneuvering carefully between the mine fields that have sprung up in the bay. _

_The Governator is some kind of retarted because he's watching the fight like it's cool to have you own men killed or something. He realizes it's not when a pirate sees him and tries to kill him. It gets his wig instead and that's one thing you don't try to take from an old man. The Governator finds a handy hammer and smashes the poor blokes skeletal arm off._

_In the treasure caves the cursed pirates are having a hard time beating Will, who for some reason is an expert swordsman despite his lack of brains. Jack and Barbossa have made their way to a higher part of the cave and neither is winning, though Barbossa, being undead does have a bit of an upper hand._

Barbossa (kicking Jack down and then throwing down his own sword): You can't beat me Jack.

_Jack doesn't care, he stabs Barbossa anyway. And Barbossa stabs him right back. This is the part where the fangirls cry for about 10 seconds until Jack staggers backwards into the moonlight...and...totally dies. Hah! Joke. Not till number 2. No Jack turns into a skeleton and Barbossa suffers an aneurism but doesn't die from it._

Barbossa: Why they hell are you still alive? How are you cursed? Damn I hate this world.

_Jack takes out the coin he palmed before that you forgot about and rolls it back and forth over his fingers. It makes a lovely clicking sound because he's all bone._

Jack: Couldn't resist mate and frankly I don't' trust you one bit.

_There is some throwing of treasure and elbowing I the face and rolling down the treasure mounds before Jack and Barbossa start to fight properly again._

_The hand that the Governator smashed off is now moving around the floor and he is still terrified. So he keeps hitting it till it's knocked out...but it's a hand so when he picks it up and puts it near his face (the idiot) it grabs at him. He screams and shoves it in the Commodore's sock drawer where it still bids for freedom._

_Will does some awesome sword moves that I can't really describe, you'll have to see the movie, but they involve a pirate with a vase bigger than his head stuck on his head and two pirates skewering each other instead of him. Then Jack and Barbossa do some more crazy moves involving falling off of treasure mounds and using various body parts to hit each other. They end up fighting around a rock protruding into the moonlight which Barbossa collapses on, not from tiredness, cause he can't feel._

Barbossa (saying the line that it took me FOREVER to understand): So what now Jack Sparrow? Are we to be two immortals locked in an epic battle until Judgment Day and trumpets sound? Hmm?

Jack (being the cheeky bastard that he is): Or you could surrender?

Barbossa: Not on your life sonny.

_They fight again, running around through the moonlight._

_The guards on the Black Pearl circle the deck suspiciously, nothing is going to cheat THEM out of their cake and oranges. But sadly a rogue longboat is. It hits them and they join the monkey in the water only in slightly more pieces._

Pirates: YEAH!

Elizabeth: Alright you lot, into the longboat we're going to save Will.

Pirates: Why?

Elizabeth: Because he's the only male in this movie without bad intentions towards me.

AnaMaria: But I thought you liked that.

Elizabeth: Well you thought wrong.

Cotton's Parrot: Awk! The hell we're coming with you missy!

Gibbs: Cotton's right, we've got the Pearl.

Elizabeth: You're just going to leave Jack? I know he doesn't respect women but I want a chance with him sometime.

Marty the Midget: Well he owes us a ship so tough luck.

Gibbs: And there's the Code to consider.

Elizabeth: Well, the crew of the Black Pearl practices a loose interpretation of the Code of the Brethren if I recall.

Marty the Midget: Get into that boat before we cut your throat lassie.

Elizabeth (rowing the boat away as the Black Pearl sails): Bloody pirates!

_Very Royal Navyish music plays as Norrington and his men climb up the side of the Dauntless to reclaim their ship, or it would if this was a movie..._

Comm. Norrington: That's right you bastards, just try it.

_He shoots Koehler point blank in the face, but he doesn't die. Poor Norrington should have listened to the mermaid. He also engages in some duels that make him look pretty spiffy with his new sword and fancy moves. Gillette swings a pulley at the Bo 'sun, who is not amused and chases poor Gillette off screen. The rogue pulley hit Ragetti in the back of the head and sends his eye flying._

Ragetti: Damn!

_And alas, Will's luck has finally run out as the pirates he's battling get him backed onto the ground._

Pirate With The Smoking Beard I Think Is Named Jacoby: I'm gonna teach you the meaning of pain!

Elizabeth: You like pain?

_She whacks him in the face with a very heavy rod made of gold that probably came from a church. It makes a wonderful sound as it goes back._

Elizabeth: Try wearing a corset.

_Totally one of the best lines EVER. She helps Will up and they stop ans stare and the skeletal mystery that is Jack Sparrow._

Elizabeth: Whose side is Jack on?

_Jack has just slashed Barbossa in the skeletal behind._

Will: At the moment?

_Elizabeth gets in another good swing with the gold church implementry as one of the pirates comes round. She and Will make quite a good showing of synchronized swinging and get all the pirates pinned together. Then Will, being the nasty devil that he is, shoves on of Jacoby's grenades into his ribcage and they both shove the pirates out of the moonlight. There is a moment of frantic searching before Jacoby realizes what's going on._

Jacoby: No fair.

Will: Neither is fighting when you can't die mate.

_He and Elizabeth run for it and the pirates explode. Jack sees Will making for the chest/ volcano and slashes his hand, getting blood all over his Aztec gold. He throws it to Will as Barbossa points his gun at Elizabeth. All we see is her frightened eyes as a gun shoot sounds. But it was Jack shooting Barbossa, who now looks utterly triumphant._

Barbossa: Ten years you carry that pistol and now you waste your shot? You're not as clever as I thought.

Will: He didn't waste it, but you're right about the cleverness.

_Barbossa looks at Will as he drops the coins into the chest. There is a bit of a ghostly sound as the curse is broken and Barbossa pulls open his jacket. Blood blossoms over his shirt._

Barbossa: I feel...cold.

_He falls onto the treasure mound, dead. On the Dauntless all the yelling is cut short as the Navy sees pirates, not skeletons, in front of them. Half the pirates drop dead on the spot. The other half put their hands up. The Governator looks in the drawer and sees lots of blood and a mangled arm. He adds some very unbecoming vomit to the mix, poor chap. Ragetti has secured his eye and pops up next to Pintel._

Pintel: Parlay?

_The Navy doesn't think so._

Comm. Norrington: The ship is ours gentlemen.

Everyone British And Not A Pirate: HUZZAH! TAKE THAT PIRATE SCUM! HUZZAH!

_The Governator can finally come out of his hiding spot. He huzzahs in the pirates' face like he helped win the battle. They all want to kill him for shaking fingers at them like naughty schoolboys._

_In the cave Elizabeth is staring at the stone chest as Will heaves it into the volcano._

Volcano: Thanks boy. If this was any other movie you'd have to run for you life now, but I'll let you live since you don' have a blond wig.

Will: Er...thanks?

_He's about to have a romantic moment with Elizabeth when Jack ruins it by throwing treasure._

Jack: That's not gold! Bloody cheapskate!

Elizabeth (looking very sorry Jack ruined the moment): We should return to the Dauntless. Of course, if you say no then I'll gladly stay...

Will (not taking the hint): Yes, you're fiancée will be wanting to know you're safe.

_Elizabeth did NOT want this answer. She flounces away as best she can without a dress._

Jack (coming up behind Will, now looking like a pirate king): You suck at the opportune moments mate. You've got to read between the lines.

Will: What lines?

Jack: That bit in parentheses and when she said, 'Oh if you want to stay I'll stay'. Geez mate, she probably wanted a romp in the treasure and you turned her down.

Will: Is there anytime you're not thinking about stuff like that?

Jack (grinning like an idiot): Ah, poor William...when will you learn. Now, I'll be much obliged if you dropped me off at my ship.

_Sitting in the longboat it is very apparent that there is no Black Pearl. _

Elizabeth: I'm sorry Jack. I had a change of heart.

Jack: That's not what I'm unhappy about you ninny! You let them take my ship!

Elizabeth: The midget threatened to gut me!

Jack: He doesn't reach past your kneecaps!

Elizabeth: Oh...hehe...

Jack: This is bloody great.


	19. Norrington Goes Emo

**A/N: OMG it's the end. Almost. One more little bit after this. I LOVE THIS CHAPTER, hope you do.**

**Parody of the Caribbean: Curse of the Bungled Prose**

Norrington Goes Emo

_We are now back in Port Royal after this monster of a Disney flick, and it is to attend Jack Sparrow's, sorry Captain Jack Sparrow's, hanging. All females not loving Orlando Bloom are misty eyed but deep down they know he'll totally get out of it. He's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow after all. All the citizens are there in some courtyard or another watching with great interest. Including Will, who thinks he's Errol Flynn after doing absolutely nothing for the whole movie, unless you count trying to be honorable and getting NOWHERE. Elizabeth, Papa Swann and Commodore Norrington, who looks extremely smug in the hanging regalia, are all standing on a dais or something at the back because they are better than Will and everyone else. _

Some Dude Reading A List Of Crimes Which For Some Reason Can't Be Summed Up As Piracy: Jack Sparrow, you are going to be hung for being more awesome than Commodore Norrington but because we need to give Will Turner time to figure things out we'll list off everything bad you've done in your career as a pirate. And I mean everything.

Jack: It's Captain Jack Sparrow, freak.

Some Dude: Well, you're on the end of a very short rope, ha, so I don't think you have time to complain.

Jack: Well I've committed a lot of crimes in my 'career as a pirate' though the bit about Will is sadly true. Get a move on boy!

Elizabeth (not hearing this conversation): You're hanging him for being better than you? What a pompous jerk you are.

Comm. Norrington: Sorry darling, it comes with the job description. But I promise you'll be happy when we're married.

Elizabeth: If you say so…

_Elizabeth has decided by now that it would be much more fun ruining Norrington's life than marrying him. Besides if she marries Will she can ruin her father's life too, two birds with one stone! The dude reading Jack's list of crimes has gotten surprisingly far in the last few seconds but he still has a ways to go._

Some Dude: …arson, kidnapping, jaywalking, sailing under false colors, parking overnight in a no parking zone, running numerous stop signs, trespassing on private property, stealing the HMS Interceptor and getting it blown up, collaborating with pirates, corrupting the Governor's daughter, impersonating a cleric of the Church of England…

_Jack smirks. Cotton's parrot poops on Mr. Murtogg's shoulder. OMG where'd the parrot come from!_

Some Dude: No smirking in the middle of my speech Sparrow. Where was I? Oh yes, impersonating an officer in the Spanish Royal Navy, impersonating a duck and breaking a duckling's heart in the process, firing a cannon indoors, and….and…general lawlessness. So now you'll be given a good dose of what the Commodore likes to call 'a short drop and a sudden stop'…that means we'll hang you till you're dead. May God have mercy on your soul.

Jack: General lawlessness? Are you serious? You can't afford to be forgetful of uncreative with this kind of job. There aren't that many hangings.

Some Dude: Shut up.

_Will stops watching and walks towards the dais thing at the back. The three occupants stare at him._

Will (tipping his head like the scummy little bourgeoisie he is): Governor Swann. Commodore. Elizabeth, I should have told you every day from the moment I met you. I love you.

_They all stare at him as he turns and heads back towards the gallows. The Governor scoffs and Norrington looks a little disgusted, like he just found a hair in his salad or something. Elizabeth is mildly surprised but then, it only helps her plans. _

_The drums start beating rapidly as the noose is lowered over Jack's head and Will starts elbowing his way through the crowd. Norrington sees this._

Comm. Norrington: Marines, stop that idiot before he ruins my hanging.

_Elizabeth sees Will and sees Cotton's parrot and understands._

Elizabeth (feigning breathlessness): I can't breathe.

_She falls over, effectively catching Norrington and her father's attention._

Papa Swann: Elizabeth, this dress doesn't even have a corset, you are such a wimp.

_But he fans her anyway._

_The crowd is a lot dumber than Will thought; they don't move when an angry man in a hero's outfit starts elbowing his way through to the gallows. So he does the obvious thing._

Will (pulling out his sword): MOVE!

_They move._

_The drums stop and Elizabeth comes out of her "faint" just as the masked executioner pulls the lever and Will throws his sword. Jack falls but the sword hits the trap door before Jack's feet come down and he steadies himself. The women in the audience cheer madly. Elizabeth's father and the Commodore look from her to the gallows and back to her._

Comm. Norrington: You'll be hearing from me later dear.

_He draws his sword and runs through the crowd, who don't move aside. _

Papa Swann: Elizabeth, did you take your medication today?

_Will and the executioner are having a wonderful fight, sword on big nasty ax. As the executioner swings to take Will's head off Will ducks, causing him to chop Jack's rope, freeing Jack and enabling Will to shove him off the platform right on to the Commodore._

Comm. Norrington: Oh shi—

_Jack slices through his bonds on the sword, grabs the rope and runs out just as Will does an impossibly showy flip off the platform. The grab the rope and use it to disable about fifteen armed guards. Norrington should get his money back…or just hang them all, he seems to like that. They finally arrive at the very last place they wanted to be: right on top of the battlements Elizabeth fell off of. Dead end if there ever was one. They are quickly surrounded._

Norrington (finally arriving after being excavated out from under the executioner): I thought something like this would happen but I was expecting Elizabeth, not you.

Papa Swann: I thought you didn't want to die. I only granted you clemency on our return because I want Elizabeth to marry Norrington. Why would you help Sparrow? You knew she was engaged and he's a pirate. It's not like he'd do the same for you.

Will: He's a good man, what ever you think.

_Jack seems to think that the guards with bayonets to his throat care at all about this, he kindly points it out._

Will: If all I have achieved is that the hangman will receive two pairs of boots instead of one, so be it, at least my conscience will be free.

Jack: Will, honor gets you nowhere but dead these days.

Comm. Norrington: You forget your place Turner.

Will: No. It's right here, between you and Jack.

_Possibly one of the worst lines in the movie as far as slash writers are concerned (and I'm not slamming anyone's work here). Norrington thinks Will is an idiot for saying that but he never liked him anyway. Just then Elizabeth arrives, maybe she had a corset after all, or maybe she was writing Norrington a sarcastic note for him to find when he's all alone in his bed tonight, poor guy._

Elizabeth (stepping into the circle of guards and taking Will's arm): As is mine.

_This get's everyone's attention._

Jack (waggling his eyebrows): I like the sound of that.

Comm. Norrington: Shut up Sparrow, I'll have you yet.

Jack: I like how you weren't specific as to how you'll do that.

_Norrington rolls his eyes._

Papa Swann (after he's finished gaping): STOP POINTING YOUR BLOODY WEAPONS AT MY BLOODY DAUGHTER YOU IMBECILES! YOU'RE ALL FIRED. NORRINGTON CAN HANG YOU AS HE SEES FIT.

_Those weapons go down so fast it's as if they weren't there in the first place._

Comm. Norrington (comprehending what's happening to his future sex life): So this is where your heart truly lies then?

Elizabeth (with a little less enthusiasm than you'd think): Uh huh.

_Everyone feels bad for Norrington right now. People stare at each other until Jack notice's Cotton's parrot._

Jack: Well, so sorry everyone's romantic schedule isn't working out but hey, if you couldn't figure out Elizabeth's intentions then you deserve to suffer. (To Governor Swann) I think we've all arrived at a very special place. Spiritually? Ecumenically? Grammatically? (Governor Swann is disgusted at having a pirate in his face. Jack moves onto Norrington) Sorry it didn't work out mate, I was rooting for you. Really I was. (Jack moves to Elizabeth, who is trying not to look too disappointed) Sorry it didn't work love; rum wasn't the best idea was it?

Elizabeth (tearfully): You broke my heart you bastard. I'll have my revenge, just you wait.

Jack: Oh? What'll you do? Make me go shopping?

Elizabeth: It'll be much worse than that, I assure you.

Jack: Wutevah.

_He moves to the edge of the battlement and turns back to Will._

Jack: Will…you're lucky there's no copyright laws right now or that Flynn guy'd sue you to next Tuesday.

Will: You don't like that hat?

Jack: Personally? Too much feather for my taste, looks like you take after Barbossa.

_He stands on the edge and turns to his audience._

Jack: Well, this looks familiar. Friends, this is the day that you will always remember as the day that you—

_And he trips and falls off the battlements, just like Elizabeth but with much more flair._

Gillette (leaning over the edge smirking): Idiot, he has nowhere to go but back to the noose.

_Norrington sighs, he REALLY hates Gillette._

Comm. Norrington: Well then you can go join him.

_He lands a wonderful kick that sends Gillette over the edge onto a rock, not the water. Never liked Gillette, he had to die, sorry._

Comm. Norrington: I love being in charge. Governor, what shall we do about that pirate?

Papa Swann: Maybe we can let it slide this time. I don't want Elizabeth to do anything drastic.

_Norrington nods in agreement._

Comm. Norrington (sternly): Mr. Turner!

Will (to Elizabeth): I'll accept the consequences of my actions.

Elizabeth: What'd Jack say about being noble! You're the only one left who'll marry me now, you can't get killed.

_Will walks to where the Commodore is standing anyway._

Comm. Norrington (holding his sword between them): This is a beautifully crafted sword. You treat her right or you'll find it lodged in you belly.

Will: Yessir!

_Norrington turns to leave, he's done with life. It's time to cut your wrists, sit in the dark and write poetry about death and being dumped. _

Groves (taking over for Gillette cuz I killed him): Commodore! What about Sparrow?

Norrington: I don't care. I'm through with him. Anyone got tight black clothes and eyeliner?

_Everyone looses a few brain cells. _

Elizabeth: I'm sorry, what?

Comm. Norrington: Nothing.

_He sulks off. The guards follow_

Papa Swann: So this is really what you want? After all your conquests you chose him? Hell, I even liked the midget better. But no, you had to pick a lowly blacksmith to marry.

Elizabeth: Daddy, he's Errol Flynn. That's got to count for something.

_Governor Swann walks off ranting._

Will: The midget?

Elizabeth: Just kiss me already.

_THE DISNEY KISS. _

Teenaged Girls In The Audience: GAH! Keira Knightley's going down!


	20. Bernadette

**Parody of the Caribbean: Curse of the Bungled Prose**

Bernadette

_Will and Elizabeth kiss and kiss and kiss some more and finally we cut to Jack who has swum to the Black Pearl. His crew throw a rope down and he does another kickass rope swinging stunt and lands on deck practically air dried from all the swinging. He looks up at Gibbs who approaches him._

Jack: What happened to keeping to the Code? Those were orders.

Gibbs: Er well, I won't say it was the rum this time but…oh hell, blame Miss Swann.

Jack: Well she was good for something after all.

_Gibbs helps him up and Cotton hand's him his hat. _

Jack: HORATIO! OMG I THOUGHT I'D NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN!

_The crew takes a few steps back. _

Horatio: You killed Esmeralda.

Jack: But hey, she's got a sister and Will's the lucky owner. You can see her when we drop in to say hi.

Horatio: What's her name?

Jack: Bernadette

Horatio: Okay, I guess.

Jack: Hey, cheer up or you can go off and be emo with Norrington.

_Jack now turns his attention to the #1 love in his life: The Black Pearl. _

AnaMaria (placing his coat around his shoulders): Captain Sparrow, the Black Pearl is yours.

_He lovingly caresses the helm till he realizes they're all watching him._

Jack: Let's get moving. I see you fixed the sails so unfurl them and all that.

_The crew hops to._

Jack (taking the helm): Now, bring me that horizon. La la la la la. And really bad eggs…drink up me hearties yo ho.

_He snaps his compass shut and the credits roll. People throw confetti into the air and dance in the aisles. It is quite a thing to celebrate. _

_The few people who stay long enough notice names like Joe Pancake, which I point and laugh at everytime, and finally they see an apple floating in the water of the caves. The monkey swims past Barbossa's dead body and takes a coin from the chest, becoming cursed again. _

Monkey: That's right.

_He spazes right at everyone's faces._

Monkey: RAHHHH!

_Disney and Jerry Bruckheimer logos and that's that folks! Hide under the seats and read/ watch it again._

**THIS IS THE END BUT I AM WORKING ON THE SECOND ONE, THERE ARE ALREADY THREE CHAPTERS UP. GO READ IT!**


End file.
